Do you ever wonder what others think of you?  Do you sometimes feel low down on the “social scale”?  Would you like to ditch that scale and create a new life where you always fit in and are equal to everyone around you?  Let’s go.

Oh how wonderful it is to shift your mind into a new way of thinking about yourself.

It’s so great to see your weaknesses and be ok with them!

Quite peaceful to make a mistake and forgive yourself.

Incredibly empowering to overcome the negative thoughts ticking in your mind.

Such bliss it is to love and accept yourself as you are!

This doesn’t happen overnight, nor does it stay forever when it does come. 

Yes, it is something that will need constant nurturing, and it is worth every ounce of energy you put toward it.

I am going to offer you an interactive experience with some ideas on how you can get started on this path.

1.  Name It!

The first step is to recognize and acknowledge your insecurities.  If you don’t see and admit them, then you’ll never be able to address them.  I know this is scary, so I’ll go first to show you how empowering it actually is!  (You don’t have to tell anyone else what yours are, just so long as you understand them yourself.)

I really struggle keeping a clean house, so as much as I LOVE things to be sparkling clean, we generally live in a mess.  I am embarrassed when people come over and witness the clutter firsthand.

Ok, so I said it.  I’m not the greatest house keeper.  First step complete!!

Now it’s your turn.  What is something that embarrasses you?

Is there something about your physical appearance, a habit, a struggle, or a belief about yourself that you brings you down, embarrasses you, or that you try to hide from others?

Just think it to yourself, you don’t have to tell one soul!  (Pause your reading until you actually think of something.  It can be a small thing for starters.)

*          *          *

So now that I’ve named my insecurity, and you’ve named yours (you DID think of something, right?), we have them in our conscious brain, so instead of trying to hide from them, now we can finally address our issues!

It really is a simple step that might be hard to do.  It’s not fun to admit our vulnerabilities, and yet if we don’t, we’ll be stuck with them forever.

For the most part, you can’t change something that you’re not consciously aware of.

I used to be insanely insecure about the size of my hands.  For some reason, in middle school, there was a fad going around to compare hands with everyone and mine were always the biggest.

Why we did that, and why it mattered to me, I have no idea.  But it stuck with me clear until after I was first married.  I finally overcame it by calling it out and just telling my family that “I have really big hands”!

Once I felt like I didn’t have to hide my shame or embarrassment is when I stopped feeling embarrassed.  Maybe that’s all it will take for you as well.  But if not, continue on to steps 2 and 3.

2.  Challenge Negative Thoughts:

Now that you see your insecurity, you need to question the validity of those negative beliefs.  Are they based on facts or perceptions?

Continuing on with my insecurity, I could ask myself WHY I feel embarrassed.  And what I’m making my untidy house mean.  Such as:

• “I believe that I should keep my house clean”.
• “Everyone else keeps their houses clean”.
• “Others will think less of me if they see my messy house”.

Those are the thoughts that plague my mind if I let them.  What are some of the negative thoughts that come to your mind when you think of why you’re embarrassed?  Or, what are the “shoulds” that you’re telling yourself?

(I should look like this… I should do that… I shouldn’t feel this way… etc.)

Let’s challenge those thoughts!  Ask WHY they matter!  First, say the negative belief and then talk yourself out of believing it.  It could look like this:

• “I believe that I should keep my house clean” –why should I??  Yes, I’d LIKE to keep a clean house, but that doesn’t mean that I SHOULD.
• “EVERYONE else keeps their houses clean”?? Really??  I don’t think so!  And even for those who DO keep a clean house, why does that mean that I should as well??
• If anyone really thinks less of me for having a messy house, that is on them and has nothing to do with me. Furthermore, I doubt most people care how other people’s houses are kept.

See what I’m doing here?  Take all that negative self-talk and show it who’s boss!  Don’t let those thoughts bully you around!  Keep challenging them until you feel convinced that there really is no reason to keep your original point of view –or in other words, keep going until you believe yourself!

Whether you’ve got an embarrassing habit, or feel insecure about the way you look, remember that there’s no right or wrong way to look, think, or be. 

Once you do this, you will have opened the door to allow new thoughts in!

If you haven’t already done so, finish up this step by challenging all those negative thoughts.  Really open your mind to the possibility that there are NO RULES about what should or shouldn’t be.

*          *          *

Ok, now that you’ve scattered those thoughts, it’s important to put them back into place –WHERE YOU WANT THEM!

Which brings us to the next section…

3.  Positive Self-Talk and Self-Care

Yay!!!  This is such a fun one!  Here is where you start to talk to yourself like you’re your own BFF!

Create new thoughts that are kind and uplifting!  What would you tell a dear friend who was struggling with your same issues?

I would say:

“Dude!  No one cares what your house looks like!  You’re just fine!  If you want a clean house, then do what you can to get it but don’t beat yourself up about messes along the way.  You are valued and loved no matter the state of your home.  I love you so much.  You’re awesome and are doing great at life!”

See how that’s done?  Now it’s your turn!  Remember to leave self-judgement out of the picture.  There is no need to hold yourself down by marking yourself as bad or not good enough.  Forgive yourself for anything that you regret doing, and allow yourself to move on.  The freedom you will experience by doing so is unimaginably bliss!!

Ready?  GO!

*          *          *

How are you feeling?  Did you take some time to do the exercises?

If so, I hope your mind is on fire.

Just sit back and bask in the joy of self love while you’ve got it!

Spread it around and share it with others.  Lift those around you up by letting them know how important and lovable they are (this will extend your high as well).

Now, not to spoil your party, but I need to tell you something…

This great feeling will eventually fade, and your old thoughts may find their way back in.

This is actually good news for you because now that you know to expect it, you won’t be as disappointed when you experience it.  I personally struggled when it happened to me because I thought I was failing in my newfound self-love feelings.

But I learned that it’s completely normal to need to put in continual effort.

So the last step is an ongoing one called:

4.  Keep Trying

Wouldn’t it be great to completely love and accept yourself as you are, without any hesitation or doubt, starting now and forever into eternity?  Sure, but that’s probably not going to happen in this life.  But just because you can’t do it perfectly, does not mean that you can’t make huge strides!

I have actually done a lot of work to change my thoughts, and for the most part I’m able to live in a peaceful place, but I have learned that we can never get rid of those negative buggers once and for all.

They have a tendency to creep back in our minds and fight for the drivers seat.

With some handy affirmations on hand, you will have better success in bringing your thoughts back where you want them and maintaining a healthy baseline of loving and accepting yourself overall.

This post has some of my favorite affirmations, if you’d like to take a look.  You can also search google for some or come up with your own.

The more you can remind yourself that you are lovable just as you are, no matter what mistakes or dumb things you do, the more you will live in that frame of mind for longer periods of time and the easier it will be to pull yourself back up when you’re feeling down or embarrassed about something.

I can say this because I have lived it, and it is a pretty cool thing to experience.

Choose now to immediately forgive yourself when you make a mistake.

Realize that you are not perfect because human beings cannot be so; it has nothing to do with you personally.

Love yourself, especially when you think others don’t.

You deserve to receive all the love you have to give.

You might also find as I did that the more you love and accept yourself as you are, the more you start to do the things you want to do. 

For example, I’m still not the best at keeping a perfectly clean house, but I do think I’m doing a better job at it than I used to.  And I do it with love, because I WANT to –NOT because I feel like other people will judge me if I don’t –which is a beautiful place to be.

You really are so precious and wonderful –flaws and ALL!

Was this helpful?  Let me know in the comments!

Wishing you the best.

Empowering you to embrace your agency and liberate yourself through conscious choice!

If you missed it earlier, click here now to read my sister post to this!

In everything you do (or don’t do), remember to love and accept yourself!

Do you ever find yourself making the same mistakes over and over again?  Is it best to continuously forgive yourself for them and show compassion for yourself?  Or does that just give you permission to keep repeating the negative behavior?  Let’s see what the pros have to say about it.

We are over half-way through January, and I’m checking in to see how your New Year’s Resolutions are coming along!

Are you still going strong?

Have they fallen by the wayside?

No judgement!!  I’m just asking…

As much as I tried to help set you up for success in achieving your goals this year, I know that it is all easier said than done.  Believe me, I know!

And today’s post is going to address the importance of self-forgiveness.  This is something that changed my whole world!  And I present it to you today with all the love and encouragement in my soul.

Alright, let’s pretend that you made some pretty stellar goals this year and you’ve already abandoned them.  How would you feel about yourself if that were truly the case?

If it were me (or actually my past self), I would have felt terrible.  I’d think that I was a drop-out, a failure, and a lazy couch potato (just saying that makes me want to reach for some potato chips!).  I’d say to myself that I’m not surprised and that I didn’t really have that much faith in me in the first place.

Would I pick up and try again?  Heavens no.  I’d have to wait until next year, haha.

Now how about a situation that has nothing to do with goals?    Because… this is a message for you whether you achieve your goals or not.  And even if you SET goals or not!

What if you had a date to meet your friend for lunch, and completely forgot about it, and left her hanging?  Would you just feel awful and beat yourself up?

Or if you told someone you’d watch their kids for them, but spaced it and were not home when they came to drop them off?  How would you treat yourself, and for how long would you hold those feelings?

I am not proud of the way I used to treat myself when I made mistakes, but I’m grateful for everything I’ve done so that I could learn a more loving way and now share it with you.

See, I have been guilty of some pretty dumb blunders in my day. 

I used to space the carpool after school all the time, and would leave a handful of kids waiting for me until I got a call from the school.  Once, I forgot to bring treats for after my daughter’s soccer game—mind you, treats are the only reason some kids sign up for soccer!  I even forgot to send my kid to a birthday party one time!  And I have accidentally stood many people up through the years.

And for all of this, I told myself that I was an idiot.  I put myself down and said that I was a horrible person.

There was specifically a phase in my life where I felt like I was dropping the ball left and right, and I remember comparing myself to dirt. 

I felt.  Like.  Dirt.

It was hard to live with all of those thoughts, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.  Not even (or especially) bullies or “mean people”, whom you might think deserve to feel bad about themselves.  (But did you know that the reason a person bullies another person is because they feel bad about themselves?  So let’s not make that worse.)

I’m glad to know how terrible it is to live like that so that I can send more love, compassion, and encouragement to you to change your thoughts, no matter where you are on the gray scale.

Do you ever make mistakes?  The answer is YES!  (Unless you’re a robot).

Do you ever get down on yourself because of it?  …Again, if you’re human and were never taught differently, I’d guess that you do, at least occasionally.

So today, I’d like to offer you a new idea for what to say to yourself when you make any sort of mistake.  And that is to love and forgive yourself.

You’re just not perfect and you never will be in this life, which means you’re going to mess up a lot.  Expect it.  And make a plan for it.

If you were to think about how you would treat your best friend if they accidentally stood you up for a lunch date, what would that look like? 

Would you tell them they’re an awful friend or a terrible person?

Might you hold a grudge against them for a long time?

Or would you show love and compassion, offering forgiveness immediately?

You understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that their life just got a little crazy, so you let it go and reschedule… right?

So why not treat your very own self the same way?

Why not give yourself some of that same compassion that is abundant inside of you, that you so freely give to others?

You are deserving of your own love and forgiveness, and it is paramount that you allow yourself to receive it.

Does this idea resonate with you?  Or does it challenge your belief system?

I used to believe that I must put myself down in the name of remaining humble.  But I can tell you with absolute truth that that is not what being humble means.

If you want to be humble, then be teachable.

If you want to be humble, then thank God and give Him credit for all that you have and are.

If you want to be humble, then acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses equally.

That is what humility looks like.

Can you imagine Jesus Christ telling Himself that He is a horrible person?  I don’t think so…

Can you imagine Him wanting you to tell yourself that you’re not good enough?  Absolutely not…

So, if you’d like to love yourself to the fullest, start by treating yourself the same way you would treat someone you love.  Talk to yourself kindly.  Forgive yourself often.  Let yourself see the good in you.  Give yourself some grace.

Now, with this, I must speak of another experience I had.

So, speaking of giving yourself grace… that has been one of the themes of my life this past year or so.  Whenever I said I was going to do something, if I spaced it or otherwise didn’t do it, I’d just say “I choose to give myself some grace” and move on. 

Like… I did this a lot.

To the point where I started to contemplate whether I was just turning into a flaky person with myself.

I think that maybe with a lifetime of beating myself up, I just needed to go through a phase of time where I could mess up without emotionally punishing myself.  To be honest, it was kinda nice.

For the hundredth time, when I found myself saying “I choose to give myself some grace”, I wondered if I would be better off with a different approach.  I felt like I had an infinite amount of “free passes to not even try” because I could just “give myself some grace”.

“Should I be a little harder on myself?”  I asked. 

And with everything in my soul, I knew that was not the answer.  Being mean is never the answer.  Christ taught EVERYTHING with love.

So again, I gave myself some grace and this time I decided that I’d LIKE to step it up and be more accountable to myself when I say I’m going to do something.

I wanted to make this change because I loved myself. 

Because I was ready to give back to the girl inside me who had been so patient and kind for so long.

And because of that, I have felt a change inside and have seen a change in my behavior.  I actually make great efforts to follow through with what I say.  For one thing, I write stuff down like crazy so I can remember it (which has helped tremendously)!

Now, I know that my one experience cannot be generalized across the board of all humankind, so I asked AI if there is any research to back this idea up; and in fact, there IS!  AI said:

“Yes, research indicates that people are more likely to change their behavior positively when they practice self-compassion and forgive themselves, rather than criticizing themselves harshly; studies show that self-compassion is linked to better coping mechanisms, increased motivation to improve, and a greater ability to accept responsibility for mistakes while moving forward.

Excessive self-criticism often leads to feelings of stress, unhappiness, and procrastination, making it harder to implement positive behavioral changes.

Research suggests that people who practice self-compassion are more likely to acknowledge their mistakes, learn from them, and make amends, leading to better behavioral adjustments.”

There you have it…

It’s time to give yourself some grace.

Give yourself some grace if you’ve already deserted your New Year’s resolutions.

Give yourself some grace if you make a huge mistake.

Give yourself some grace if you make a little mistake.

Give yourself some grace if you make a fool of yourself.

Give yourself some grace if you do not meet your own expectations.

Give yourself some grace.

This year, choose…

Choose to give yourself some grace.

Choose to give yourself some grace for as long as it takes.

Choose to give yourself some grace every… single… time. 

Let it be your theme of 2025.

“Offering grace as I strive; this year in 2025.”  Haha.

I love you so much.  I hope you know that.  You are a cherished soul, deserving of all the love, compassion, and forgiveness in the world.

Are you already familiar with this concept?  Tell me in the comments!

Best wishes!

Empowering you to embrace your agency and liberate yourself through conscious choice!

If you love this idea of being kind to yourself, I know you would love my post called Stop Telling Yourself That You’re Enough.

But what if you’re a complete mess?  How about Love Yourself Amongst the Mess…?

Do you ever find yourself eating chocolate, baked goods, and other refined sugar like there is no tomorrow?  Do you see other people pass on dessert, and wish that you had the will-power to do the same?  Well, I have a secret for you:  You don’t need will-power!

Today I’m going to share a little trick with you.

Have you ever heard of “No-Sugar November”?  It’s something that my sister-in-law does every year (not sure if she still does it), and I decided to join her once (about 10 or more years ago).

The exercise is pretty much what it sounds like –you don’t eat any sugar during the month of November, but you only have to go until Thanksgiving, and then you can enjoy all the pie you like!

You can take it so far as to not eat ANY sugar including but not limited to jam, syrup, ketchup, BBQ sauce, bread, etc.  Or you can just omit the “treats and desserts” types of sugar, which is what I did. 

Now, I told you I was going to teach you a trick, and instead you may be feeling tricked, thinking “Kayleen, this is just another so-called diet, not a trick!”

And you are absolutely right –up to this point.

Just stay with me!

So, as I was saying, I went three and a half weeks without eating ANY treats whatsoever!  I had never done this in my life and, to say the least, it was really hard. 

See, I was the person who would buy a bag of candy bars for trick-or-treaters, and then eat the whole thing single handedly before Halloween.

Also guilty of picking out all the Twix, Snickers, and Milky Way’s from my toddler’s hard-earned profits after trick-or-treating.  (Don’t worry, they always loved the colorful candy more than chocolate.  Who’s children are they anyway?  Haha.)

I used to eat fun size candy bars like nobody’s business, and they would satiate my cravings like no other.  But that was then, and this is now.  They no longer give me the same satisfaction and therefore I don’t eat 20 a day anymore.  Maybe a few just for fun, and that’s about it.

Do you want to know what changed?  Would you like the same thing to happen to you?  Do you wish to have your cravings and temptations deplete a little, making it less appetizing to partake of most any treat??

Just keep reading.

At that time, the only thing that helped me stay strong was counting down the days until Thanksgiving, when I knew I could spoil my tastebuds to my heart’s content.

Every time I was face to face with a treat (or walking past a cupboard that I knew contained goodies), I thought of the pie that I would indulge in on Thanksgiving day.

Pumpkin pie never sounded so good!  With an extra big dollop of whipped cream!

Or how about chocolate cream pie?!!!  Oooooooooh!!!

And right after thinking of the goodness to come, I’d reach for a cup of water instead.

Taking a drink gave me something to put in my mouth and somewhat satisfy my desire for a treat.  No, it wasn’t a fix for my sweet tooth, but after drinking a tall glass of H2O, my belly would immediately feel full enough to move on and focus on something else.  (I drank plenty of water that November!  Such a great way to help get your ounces in!)

“Take a drink, and leave the kitchen.”

This little trick worked wonders for me, helping me make it all 20-something days with no treats.  But that’s not even the trick I’m planning to share with you!  (Well, I guess it’s part of it).

This part of the trick required a degree of will-power, which is not sustainable long term.

When it was time to eat Thanksgiving dinner, I was excited for a plate smothered in gravy as usual, and my mind was also two steps ahead, thinking of the desserts that would follow –yes, that was plural desserts!

Imagine with me how you would feel in this same situation -being a person who normally eats treats several times a day, and then going almost a full month without ANY!

Since I hadn’t had refined sugar in all it’s glory for a few weeks, my brain was going crazy with messages of how AMAZING that pumpkin pie was going to be!

Later that evening when the pie was busted out, my tastebuds were primed and ready to receive.

And when I lifted the first fork full of goodness to my lips….

. . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .

. . . the world fell flat.

Something was wrong.

The pie was fine, but it wasn’t as satisfyingly good as it was supposed to be.

Maybe I just needed another bite…

Nope.  Still not.

Perhaps a different kind of pie would do the trick.

No.  I was let down again and again. 

Ironically, it went down in history as the Thanksgiving of least indulgence, when it should have been the most!

Why do you think this happened to me?

I’ll break it down:

• Let’s say that a certain dessert is about an 8 on the delicious scale of 0-10. If you are expecting it to be a 4 or 5, then you are going to be very impressed and think it’s the most delicious thing ever –because your expectations were so low.
• But if you are expecting it to be a 10, and then in reality it’s only an 8… well, you’re going to be disappointed.

Not to slander the reputation of the pie makers at that party, but I was expecting the pie to taste ten times better than anything I’ve ever put in my mouth, which just was not reality.

This experience also had lingering effects for me.

Over the next few YEARS, I found myself passing up treats and desserts because I was not enjoying them like I used to.  To be honest, it was actually kind of hard.

My brain remembered that Snickers give me a certain type of pleasure, and when I wanted to experience that pleasure, I’d eat a Snickers, but then I wouldn’t receive said pleasure.

So disappointing!

There was no conscience thought going into anything at first, just observing my experience each time I was let down by desserts.  Then in the middle of being frustrated that I no longer LOVE my baked goods, I remember realizing that it all goes back to when I did No-Sugar November!

So I have a challenge for you today!

Did you see this coming??

November 1st is nearly here, and I invite you to join me in participating in No-Sugar November!  I have not done it since that very first time!

What do you say?  Are you intrigued?

No sugar for 27 days!

If you want to give it a try, I encourage you to follow these 4 tricks:

• Every time you get the urge to eat sugar, take a drink of water instead. EVERY time.  Wherever there are treats, there is usually water as well, so this should work out.  This is just my guess, but I think there might be something that happens in your brain, creating a new neuropathway:  Desire to eat sugar = Drink water. 
• Allow yourself to salivate at the thought of indulging on Thanksgiving day! Remember, this will likely raise your expectations so high that it will result in a let down when you actually eat the pie. 
• Notice how much (or how little) you enjoy eating your first bite of dessert on Thanksgiving. Was it all you had been dreaming of?  Or did it seem a little muted?
• Also take note of your experience eating sugar from there on out. Decide whether you want to eat treats even if you’re not thoroughly enjoying them.  Consider focusing your appreciation on the meal you ate for dinner, and perhaps you will find that you don’t need something sweet to top you off. 

For me, after a few years of not necessarily caring as much for sweets, I went through a little phase of wanting that indulgence back in my life.  I remember pigging out on candy bars, telling myself that if I eat enough, they will eventually satisfy my soul once more.

I don’t know why I did that (other than, I think I was looking for a dopamine hit), but it did kind of work.  I started to enjoy treats more, just not to the same crazy-soul-satisfying-craving-can’t-say-no-have-to-eat-ten-more kind of enjoyment.

Now, I definitely relish in a good piece of dark chocolate filled with smooth caramel.  And at the same time, the joy that comes from eating such treats, stays in my mouth.  Haha!

In other words, instead of releasing hormones and getting the rest of my body involved, a yummy dessert will just get my taste buds dancing but nothing more. 

So keep that in mind and just find a different way to get that dopamine rush when you’re looking for it!

I wonder how this experiment will affect you, and I’m also curious what will happen to me.

I like being in a place of enjoying a yummy treat without feeling like they control me.  And I have been letting myself get out of hand recently, so I think a good refresher of this will be great!

Happy November!!!

Let me know if you decide to do No-Sugar November, and how it goes for you!

All my love and support,

Kayleen

SDG

You might also like some fun ideas for self-care, check out 27 Simple Ways to Rejuvenate Yourself.

Also, if you haven’t already joined my email club, make sure to subscribe on the home page!

Have you ever thought that therapy is just for those who are “messed up”?  Do you believe that only people with “problems” need to go to therapy?  Do you view therapy as a “hush-hush, don’t tell anyone, it’s embarrassing” thing??  Would you be surprised to hear that I actually recommend you to go to therapy?  Yes, you!

First off, let me clarify… I am using the term “therapy” very loosely here.  And depending on what your current situation is, will determine which “therapeutic source” I recommend for you.

I used to think that therapy was only for people with problems, and if you had problems, that was embarrassing.  So in my eyes, therapy was something to be ashamed of.

I mean, seriously, if you can’t figure things out on your own and you need the assistance of a professional… then you’re messed up for sure.  Right?

WRONG-O!!   (Giving you The Grinch finger shake here).

It’s actually natural, normal, and HEALTHY to get help in processing your thoughts and feelings.

And can I add that it’s kinda FUN too?? Haha.

I am going to tell you not only how I found a therapist, but why I keep going.  (Ok, technically, she’s a life coach, but it’s so therapeutic for me I just call it therapy).

It all began because I had a problem.  I was not mentally well.  I could not control the thoughts in my head that told me someone in my family was going to die.  These were not completely irrational thoughts (I mean, it is always a possibility that someone can get in a car wreck, choke, get kidnapped, or stung to death by an angry mob of bees while out in the mountains picking wildflowers, eh?).  But the absolute panic and terror I felt inside was sending my adrenals on a constant roller coaster ride. 

I remember crying in panic while my husband drove my family home from the grocery store one day.  I couldn’t stand the thought of driving on the highway, and I felt through all my bones that we were going to crash, and someone would die.

It.  Was.  Awful.

You may be surprised to hear that I lived like this for a few months before I realized that I actually needed mental help.  I am a person who likes to be independent, so asking for help is not something that comes naturally or immediately for me.  It’s not that I was refusing to admit I needed help, I just didn’t consciously see it.

But I am forever grateful for the aid I received.

My sister had recommended that I go see Lori.  Lori is a gifted person, and amazingly guided me back into a healthy mental place during weekly visits, over the course of a month or two.

This type of “therapy” (when I actually had a problem) is like going to a doctor when you break your arm.  Is there any shame in the fact that you can’t reset your own bone and put a cast on it?

Of course not.  Likewise, it’s completely normal and fine to go receive help in getting your mind “reset” so to speak.

And just as there are different ways to receive physical help, there are different approaches to obtain mental help.

Depending on what you’ve got going on, there’s the phycologist, therapist, counselor, or life coach.  There’s hypnotherapy, rapid eye therapy, and who-knows-what-else-therapy!  What works for one person may not work for you.  You gotta get in tune with yourself and pick something/someone, and if you find it’s not a good fit, then try a different person or approach! 

I got lucky to find Lori on my first attempt at seeking help.

So, back to the example of a doctor helping someone who broke a bone… Once the bone is healed, there is still need for additional help via physical therapy to regain strength and range of motion. 

Or in other words, once the “problem is fixed” you still need help in the process of getting back to your regular life.

With mental health, this can look like continual guidance and support for a while, even if you feel like your “problem is solved”.  Our brains are miraculous little buggers, and they have a tendency to want to default back to “old ways of thinking”, so it’s important to exercise them well after introducing a new idea to strengthen those neuropathways.

I hope that you can see how normal and wonderful it is to receive help for your mental health.  I truly can’t speak highly enough of it!  Many of my posts have this message weaved through them because it is such a huge part of the LOVE that I have for myself and my life.

Speaking of, if reading my blog has helped you see any aspect of your life in a different way, just think what could happen if you had an individual, one-on-one, personalized session with someone to help you with your specific situations!

…Even if you don’t have any “problems”!

For example, in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, it’s important to move your body and strengthen your muscles, right?  Some people do this by going to the gym.

Well, what’s your “mental health” gym? 

There are SOOOOOO many fantastic things you can do to support your mental health, including meditating, breathing, getting fresh air, reading, yoga, cuddling a pet, gardening, journaling, expressing gratitude, dancing, exercising, doing acts of kindness… the list goes ON!

And I’m not going to say that choosing your thoughts wisely (which a therapist can help with) is the number one thing you can do to help your mental health because there truly are a number of things that contribute to it, but I do believe it is a huge part of the picture!  When you understand how your thoughts affect your feelings, and then learn how to direct your thoughts in a healthy way, you have such an advantage and kick-start to better mental health.

(BTW, when I say “mental health”, I literally just mean that in the same way you would think of “physical health”.  If you have a body, then physical health is important.  If you have a brain, then mental health is important.)

So just as you could agree that it’s important to keep up on your physical health through exercise, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep, can I convince you that it is equally important to stay up on your mental health through therapeutic self-care activities?

And just like you can either go to the gym and figure things out on your own or hire a personal trainer to zero in on helping you get the results you want, you can do the same with your mental health.

(Think how cool it is to have a personal trainer at the gym – that’s how cool it is to have a personal therapist too!)

But yeah, I must make mention of self-help therapy!  If you are pretty mentally healthy, and don’t feel the need to go to therapy, of course you don’t HAVE to sign up and pay money to receive professional help.  You can totally make wonderful strides by reading or listening to self-help material.  I’m just saying that IF you did go, I am confident that you would get something out of it.

Note the title of this post is called “Every Person Can BENEFIT From Therapy”, not “Every Person Needs Therapy”.

It’s like when you see a really good movie and you loved it so much that you want all your friends to go watch it too!  Of course they can live a happy life without ever seeing it, but you just KNOW that they would really have an enjoyable time if they did.

That’s how I view therapy.

I just love it so much!  I feel like a detective cracking a 30-year-old case when I reach into my past and come to understand how certain things have affected me my entire life.

Right now I’m in the middle of figuring out why I get so scared to talk in front of people, and it hit me the other day that when I was 8 years old, I was bearing my testimony in church (which I loved to do, and wasn’t scared) and a lady looked at me weird, which made me feel dumb. 

Hmmmm….. think that has anything do to with it?  I stopped bearing my testimony after that.  (For the record, the lady was just smiling at me, haha!  In a way that looked like she was smiling at a “cute little kid” – and in my mind, I was not a little kid, thus I was weirded out.)

But see how exciting that is??  We have NO idea how many experiences of our past are leading us to feel nervous, anxious, annoyed, or unloved.  And therapy is such a helpful resource in learning about ourselves.

Whether you could use help processing something that happened in the past, or if you’re looking for assistance in your thoughts going forward, I encourage you to give some sort of “therapy” a try.  Just remember, it’s so important to “click” with your therapist, so ask around for recommendations from like-minded people.

Believe it or not, I’m actually not trying to convince you to go to therapy!  More than anything, the purpose of this post is just to normalize the thought of therapy.  Whether it’s for you or someone else.  Please help others feel comfortable if they’re going (or want to go).  It doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with them, it just means that they are human!

The next time you hear a whisper of someone going to therapy, whether it’s general therapy, marriage counseling, or for a specific problem, give them your best Napolean Dynamite “lucky!”  Because they truly ARE lucky to be living the good life!

See ya later, I’m off to go talk to Lori…

Kayleen

SDG

If you would like a more self-help approach to figuring our your feelings, you might enjoy these 2 posts:  Fake Crying, and Real Crying.

Also, I’d love it if you shared this with a friend and invited them to subscribe to my email!  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

Self-love is a tricky ongoing process.  I have found that you can make leaps and bounds on overcoming your inner critic and truly come to love and accept yourself… and yet… still struggle at times.  No matter HOW much you truly love and accept who you are, there will always be more to work on loving.

So with that said, we’re going to discuss:

1. How to know when we need self-love
2. How to get started on the journey of self-love
3. How to continue on the path of self-love.

1.  How to Know When We Need Self-Love

Certainly we can’t practice self-love if we don’t even know we need it.  So how do we know?

Well, the simple answer is “if you’re a human being, then you know you need self-love”, haha.

So maybe I should phrase the question this way:  

“WHEN do you need self-love?”

This answer might seem pretty obvious, but I’d like to point out that self-judgement can be pretty sneaky at times so I’m going to give you some indicators to look out for.

It’s all about being aware of your thoughts and feelings!

Of course, there’s the obvious “I’m not good enough” or “I’m so stupid” thoughts that could use some self-love and compassion.  But here’s a few more that you might miss if you’re not paying attention:

• “So-and-so doesn’t like me.”
• “I can’t believe I am late again.”
• “Why wasn’t I invited too?”
• “If only I would have_______!!!”
• “No one needs my input.”

 All of these and more are opportunities for you to have some understanding, forgiveness, and love for yourself.

If you’re ever feeling:

• Rejected
• Unimportant
• Left out
• Discouraged
• Not good enough

 Then you know it’s time to look at yourself from a loving point of view and say some kind words in the mirror.

 Basically, any time that you are thinking or feeling negatively about yourself is when you’ve found something to practice loving. 

So, what is the first step in learning to love ourselves?  Let’s see in the next section.

2.  How to Get Started on the Journey of Self-Love

You can start in any way that feels good to you, just remember that it’s like eating an elephant.  Just start by taking a few small steps.  Some things that could work for you might be:

• Positive affirmations about yourself. Some examples include:
  • “I am a child of God”
  • “I love and accept you ______” (your name)
  • “I am equal”
  • “I am loved”
  • “I am lovable”
  • “I am one with everything and everyone around me”
  • “I am a genius, and I apply my wisdom”

• Forgiving yourself when you make a mistake.
  • For me, this started out as immediately forgiving myself when I was running late to something. I have often been late for appointments, meetings, gatherings, church -you name it, I have been late to it.  And I haven’t been very kind to myself for it.  I used to put myself down and think that everyone was disgusted with me for being late.  But when I heard the idea of forgiving myself, I tried it out the next time I was running late.  I never would have expected it, but I cried sweet tears of love in my car, as I felt loved, accepted, and forgiven by myself.

• View yourself as you view someone who you love dearly.
  • Whether you’ve made a mistake or are feeling inadequate, think of what you would say and do if someone who you treasure were putting themselves down.  Would you lift them up and tell them that everybody makes mistakes and it’s ok?  Would you let them know how much you care about them, and how valued they are?
  • You, my dear friend, are just as priceless and deserving of your own love as anyone else in the world.
  • You have so much love to give… and I hope you can see that it’s such a beautiful thing to give some of that love to yourself.

• Use music to your advantage!
  • Find a bunch of good songs that have a message of self-love and acceptance, and make a playlist with them. Then sing and dance to them in your kitchen while you make dinner or do the dishes!  Sing along in your car, or anywhere else!
  • This is not just suggested as a mere “fun activity”.  I have personally discovered the impact that music can have on a person, and have used it to help foster my own thoughts of becoming more accepting of who I am.
  • To get you started, I will offer my top 3 favorite (and most helpful!) songs that were basically on repeat a few years ago (just ask my family if you don’t believe me, haha)
  • #1 – “I Was Born” by Hanson
  • #2 – “Couldn’t Be Better -Pop Version” by Kelly Clarkson
  • #3 – “Show Yourself” by Idina Menzel
  • There you go… #1 will most definitely change your life.  You’re welcome!

I don’t know that I can speak of self-love without also mentioning gratitude, so the last idea I have for you to get started is:

• Fill your heart with thanks.
  • This is thanks to God, yourself, and others.
  • It’s thanks to your past self and your future self.
  • It’s thanks to all the hurt you have experienced and thanks to all the healing.
  • This is giving thanks to all that you are and all you will become.
  • This is feeling grateful for everything and everyone around you.
  • It’s waking up and being thankful for another day to live!
  • Gratitude is lifting, and the more you can run that energy through your soul, the better you will feel.  It is one of the biggest assists you can give yourself on your journey of developing self-love.

Once you taste the sweetness of such tender love for yourself, you may think that you’re set for life!  At least, I thought that.

In my experience, I thought I had discovered a secret potion that would allow me to sail through the rest of my life without ever doubting or getting down on myself again.

But alas… I am human.  And I have a human brain that functions as regular as can be.  And because of that, I have learned that self-love is not a destination.  And I’m not going to call it a journey either (even though I called it that above).

I personally don’t like the term “journey” and would much rather think of it as a never-ending VACATION!  Hahaha!

Journey = trudging through the wilderness.

Vacation = FUN and enjoyable!  When you’re on vacation, you’re relaxed and more able to let go of your worries, which is exactly what self-love can do for you (well, maybe it doesn’t release all your worries, but it definitely helps with a lot!).

So, how do we deal with the thought that we’ll never be “set for life”, and that we’ll always need to keep trying?

3.  How to Continue on the Path of Self-Love

Just knowing that it’s an ongoing “vacation” (haha) is really the biggest thing that will help you.  If you’re expecting to have to continually revisit your affirmations and whatnot, then it’s not going to be as discouraging when you NEED to use them.

For example, let’s say you do something completely embarrassing in public and you feel like an absolute idiot.  If a quick “I love and accept you” affirmation helps remind you that you’re ok with who you are, and you’re then able to move on and forget the incident, then GREAT.

But if your mind keeps giving you flashbacks to that moment, and you want to crawl in a hole due to the mortification, that could possibly be disappointing when you realize that you’re not perfect at self-love after all.

So, if you just expect that every now and then you’ll have a “growing opportunity”, then you’ll be able to have more patience and understanding for yourself while you figure out how to love that new-found part of you.

I can tell you from experience, that the more you want to fully love and accept yourself, the more angles you will start to see of yourself.  In other words, your eyes will be opened to more and more things that you don’t like about yourself.  This is hard but good, because if you don’t know what you don’t like, then how can you ever learn to love it?

Throughout my journey –er vacation!  I have learned that I don’t like the rebel side of me.  I don’t want to be “bad”.

Ironically, I also don’t like the “goody-goody” in me.  So, I don’t want to be bad, but I don’t want to be too good either.

Now that is just confusing!!

But I’m so thankful for the experiences that have led me to discover this about myself, because I truly do want to love ALL of me.

That sweet little brown-noser girl deserves to be loved.  As does the punk!

And here’s a hint for you as you go along your way:

• The way you view other people is the way you view yourself.

So when you find yourself getting annoyed or mad at someone, take the time to ask yourself why you feel that way, and then find that “unloved” part of yourself and use all your affirmations, music, and gratitude on it until you love it ALL.

Conclusion

I believe that self-love is a choice.  Not the kind of choice where you can say “I just choose to love myself” and then BAM—you’re good to go.  But the type of choice that is in your power to change. 

Maybe a different way of saying it could be “it’s all in our minds”.

As such, the more you put the message of “I love and accept you” in your mind (through thought, song, action, etc.), the more your brain will start to build stronger connections with that belief and then it will become the dominant thought.

If you have not yet tasted the sweetness of truly loving yourself, I have a 2 week challenge for you!

For the next 14 days, do all the things I mentioned in step #2 above!  Pick your favorite affirmation (one I listed, or find your own) and say it to yourself as many times a day as you can!  Be as kind and forgiving to yourself as you would be to a dear friend!  And be grateful for all that you have and are!

Ready, set, GO!

If you have experienced the joy and peace of self-love, then you know what I’m talking about.  Keep it up!!

You are a loveable person. 

Just the way you are!

I love you.  God loves you.  I hope you love you.

Kayleen

SDG

My post “Stop Telling Yourself You’re Enough“, can get you off to a great start for the 2 week self-love challenge!

And then pair that with “You Can Do Anything You Want To” and you’ll be off to the races!

Who would have thought that one little weeding session could bring about so much learning?  Join me as I share 9 life lessons I learned while sweating like a pig.

“Life Lessons”… Could that be any more vague??  Life is huge!  Life is everything! 

What part of life are we talking about here?

I’m referring to the part of life that is present with you everywhere you go.

Whether you’re awake or asleep.

On vacation or working.

Feeling happy or sad.

This is the part of life that lives with us always, and will continue with us forever.

The fragment of us that is constantly ticking.

The slice of our mind that is interconnected with our heart and soul.

The portion of our being that we actually tend to hide from and pretend is not there.

Do you know what it is yet??

I don’t even know what to call it!  Haha.  But it’s the place where we carry all of our hurt, anger, shame, fear, self-doubt, etc.  AND. . . the place where we bring healing and love to ourselves!!

If you think this does not apply to you, you are in denial.  Everyone has painful issues of some sort to resolve, and we are going to talk about 9 ways to help you do so!

Early this summer, I rolled up my sleeves and trudged out to the garden to attack the daunting task of weeding.

I have a 60×30 foot garden, and it was one big mass of weeds growing.  I thought that I would clear them all out so that I could plant some vegetables for my family.  And while I was doing so, I had a lot of analogies come to mind, which is what I’m sharing with you today.

1.  Get the Small Weeds While You’re There

Our thoughts start out as a tiny little speck in our minds, as small as a seed.  When we continue on a thought, it starts to grow.  Some thoughts can grow as fast, big, and troublesome as a weed!

And the bigger a thought gets, the stronger the feelings grow, and the harder it is to change.  So instead of holding on to an unpleasant thought until it becomes bigger than you, take care of it while it’s small and easier to manage.

A huge motivator to do this is for your physical benefit!

Remember how our thoughts lead to our feelings?  Well, in the book Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by  Karol K. Truman, she teaches that every feeling has its own vibration, and when we hold a negative feeling inside us for a long time, it starts to wear on our physical body.

Once we are to the point of dealing with the physical issues caused by our feelings, that’s going to take a LOT of work to heal those emotions, let alone the physical illness.  So the sooner you can catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, the easier it will be to deal with them.

When you notice yourself start to feel annoyed at a person -pull that weed while it’s small!

When you feel left out of a social situation -do the work right then to bring yourself to a place of peace!

And when you feel overwhelmed, discouraged, or unsure of yourself -find the thought that serves you and redirect your thinking!

Please note that “pulling the weed” does not mean shoving the thought aside or pushing the feelings down!  That is exactly the opposite, and will actually cause yourself harm.

It’s very important to FEEL your feelings.  That is the first step in “doing the work”.  If you’re frustrated, then allow yourself to feel frustrated for as long as you need to.  Try breathing or moving your body while letting yourself feel.

Then, when you’re ready, release that feeling and choose a new one (pick a new thought to accompany it too).

If you address them as they come up they’ll be easier to manage than if you “let them go” until they’re huge and overtaking everything else.

2.  Some Weeds Have Roots Coming From Other places

We’re going to get deep on this one.  Did you know that we are BORN with thoughts and feelings swirling in our souls?

Yep, it’s true.

We carry on more generational trauma, emotions, and problems than we realize.

I realize that can be difficult to wrap your head around, so I make sense of it this way:

Have you ever been in a room with angry people, and found yourself getting angry as well?  Or the other way around with happy people??

Imagine a little baby being carried in the womb for 9 months, their intelligence is genius enough to pick up on and feel the emotions of those around them.

They could be born with subconscious feelings that they can’t even name.  Then when they go to have their own children, those feelings get passed on again to the next child and the next.  (Maybe there’s more to it than that, but that’s just how I help myself understand it.)

These feelings are very hard to address and heal because they run so deep.  Even when you finally recognize the issue with your conscious mind, you’re past the point of just “changing your thoughts”.

It reminds me of morning glory, which is all over my garden.  You can rip off the top and get some of the root, but in order to clear it entirely, it’s going to take MEGA work.  And honestly, thinking that you can completely clear those issues up forever might be a little unrealistic.

Don’t get frustrated when they keep popping up.  Just keep your emotional toolkit handy and deal with them each time you notice their presence.

3.  Sometimes You Get Dirty

Yup, you’re going to cry, feel angry, embarrassed, scared, or sad –all the things that you “shouldn’t do” are actually necessary to heal.  Can we just call them “dirty actions”?  Not because they’re bad, but because they are emotions that are not enjoyable and therefore not a place where we want to stay for longer than necessary.  It’s ok to get dirty sometimes! 

My daughter just got back from a 4-day girls camp, and was super dirty!  Did I refrain from giving her a hug because of it?  NO!

My knees were filthy while weeding!  I was able to wash them off in the hose once I was done.  Is that bad that I was so dirty?  No, but did I want to STAY dirty???  No again.  Do we want to STAY angry???  Not me…

So get dirty…. Feel all the feels.  Scream and yell into a pillow if you want to.  CRY!  And then when you’re ready to “take a figurative shower”, first validate how you feel by naming all your emotions.

“I feel ________”(mad/embarrassed/annoyed/etc –say them all!)

Then let go of them, by saying:

“I release feeling ________”(name them all again).

And finally, replace those feelings with new emotions: 

“I choose to feel ________” (joy/acceptance/love/etc).

Remember that you’re a human being, and you’re made to FEEL all the feels.  So let it be, and know that it’s ok.

4.  The Bugs You Encounter are More Concerned About Their Own Wellbeing Than Anything Else

Every person who crosses your path and tries to make you feel sad, insecure, embarrassed, or anything else is truly focused on themselves and their need to feel good and accepted.

If anyone puts you down, it’s only because they want to be “higher” than someone.  Please do your very best not to let it get to you, and understand that it’s coming from a place of hurt within them.

Some people might look and act pretty “scary” or intimidating, but just like all the spiders that were crawling out from under the weeds I was pulling, they are only looking for a place of safety.  And sadly, many people find their “safe place” by trying to make others feel inferior. 

It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

5.  Celebrate Your Wins, Take a Break, then Keep Working

I had been out working for a long time and I had a huge bucket full of weeds.  I thought I was doing awesome… and then I looked up and saw I was NO WHERE near done! 

I thought to myself “I’m going to focus on what I DID, and go in for some water and rest.  Then another day I will go weed another patch.”

Don’t feel like you have to resolve all your deep issues at once.  Take the time you need, and focus on what you have accomplished.

6.  It’s Easier to Weed When the Dirt is Moist

You know what that means – Cry…cry…cry!

Open up and let yourself feel and be real.  Maybe tears will come, and maybe they won’t, but the weeds will slip out so much easier if you are willing to be vulnerable, than if you are hard inside and fighting it.  When you can truly open up, you’re more likely to get the whole root than if you stiffen up and just sweep the surface.

7.  You’ll Never Be Done Weeding

If you’re a human being with a healthy functioning brain, you will always be “weeding out your thoughts” because there will always be new seeds being sown.  Just like those dandelion seeds that are always going to blow into your yard, there will continually be new situations arising in our lives that will need our attention.

We live in a world with people, and they’re going to say things we don’t want to hear.  We have an inner critic that will endlessly fight to bring us down.

And more than likely there will always be some deep generational roots that you don’t even know are there, causing you to think and feel certain ways. 

Sure, we can try to AVOID using irrigation water (aka weed seed) on our gardens just the same as we can try to avoid letting troublesome people into our lives.  But that’s easier said than done –some systems are set up to use irrigation and some lives are set up with certain family/community members/coworkers/etc.  Just keep this in mind, and seek help on how to set up boundaries and handle specific situations with certain people.

Whether it has to do with other people or not, there will always be new issues popping up in your brain, so don’t get down on yourself for not being able to achieve a weed-free life!

Just expect to always have something to work on!  Especially the art of continuing self-love!

8.  Sometimes You Need to Turn the Noise Off So You Can Listen to Your Own Thoughts

I love listening to podcasts, I’m especially loving Jody Moore right now!  And when I do mindless work by myself, I usually like to listen to her or an audio book.

However, this day while I was weeding, I chose not to turn anything on.  I didn’t expect much to come from it, I just thought I’d let myself be present in nature and free my senses up to notice things around me.

Before I realized what was happening, I had all the above analogies running through my head!  I was excited to apply what I was doing to real life and share it with you, and if I’d had someone else’s voice sounding in my ears, that never would have happened.

In regards to healing, it is so important to be present with yourself so you can process your thoughts and emotions.  Ask yourself questions of why you feel a certain way –what thoughts are you having about a certain situation that’s leading you to those feelings?

Now, of course there is a time and a place for “noise”.

I am so grateful to have access to audio books, podcasts, and fun music, and am equally thankful for little moments of silence.

No one can tell you when to put your ear buds in and when to set them aside, which highlights the beauty of your choice! 

Be in tune with yourself.  Notice your thoughts and feelings.  Pray to God to help guide you.

9.  There are Times When You Think You’re Doing the Work For a Certain Reason, Only to Realize it’s Not What You Thought

I went out to weed so I could clear a space where we would plant our garden!  In the end, we didn’t end up planting a garden this year.  There were a couple obstacles in our way, and we ultimately decided to take this opportunity to prepare our garden for next year!

Right now, it’s just one big open space.  And the plan is to divide it into smaller sections with pathways in between.

No work you do will ever be a waste of time or pointless, even if it seems so.

If I were to have weeded everything, only to have the garden sit that way until new weeds sprang up, I still would have come out with all the thinking I was able to do along the way.

Nothing is ever a “waste of time”.  There is always something to learn, a person to meet, feelings to feel, and more!  Even if you aren’t able to put your finger on it and say “ah-ha, THIS is what came out of that”, just have faith in the process of life, and know that everything has it’s place or purpose.

Conclusion

I love it when I find analogies between the little things I’m doing and something grand.  It’s just another reminder to me of how wonderful life is, and how much there is to learn!

Thank you so much for being on this journey with me!  Let me know you’re here by dropping a comment!  (You should see my face when I get an alert for a new comment, haha).

Either way, I love and appreciate you being here today.

Kayleen

SDG

Love Yourself Amongst the Mess is a good reminder to be kind to yourself, no matter what craziness is happening in your life.

Also, if you haven’t already joined my email club, make sure to subscribe on the home page!