“Be tough”, “Don’t cry”, “Look on the bright side”… Anyone ever said such things to you?  Or better yet, have you ever said them to others?  Sorry to say it, but holding back tears is not going to help anyone, and may even cause more problems down the line.  We will discuss why this is and what you can do instead to not only help those you love, but take care of yourself as well.

I grew up thinking that crying was a weakness.

When I got hurt as a kid, I would usually cry.  I didn’t exactly think less of myself for crying, but I remember the day I stopped crying over physical pain, and I felt like I had proudly stepped into adulthood at the age of 12 because of it.

And when I watch movies that pull at my heart strings, I am always a sobbing mess as I try to be super discrete about wiping my tears away so that no one will know I’ve been crying.  (Ever done that yourself?  Haha).

And when I feel sad or emotionally hurt about something and am unable to hold back my tears, I will go hide somewhere –whether that’s the bathroom, on my bed, or in a closet.  If I’m not able to isolate myself, I will turn away or bury my face so that no one can see me cry. 

Why?  Why?  Why?

Why is it embarrassing to cry?  I know I’m not alone in this!

Who has ever seen a big kid cry over a little boo-boo that you’d only expect a 2 year old to bawl about?  I have!  And what did I tell them??

“Don’t cry!”

 “Be tough!!”

Why do we tell our children to be tough and stop crying?

How many of us have received that message as a child, and have grown up feeling that crying is for babies?  I know that boys get this more than girls.

The Harvard Health Blog states,

“From early on, boys are told that real men do not cry. When these boys grow up, they may stuff their feelings deep inside and withdraw emotionally from their loved ones, or self-medicate with alcohol or drugs, or even become suicidal.  …education should begin early on, at home or at school, with adults making it safe for boys to talk about difficult feelings.”

Ok… can we talk about that for just a minute?  As of this moment of writing this, I literally found that quote last night, and was given an opportunity to practice it TODAY!  Let me tell you some of my thoughts about how it went, and then you tell me what you think:

What happened was, my son was at a birthday party at a trampoline park.  Within the first 5 minutes of jumping, he lost his balance, tripped, and bonked his bottom lip/gums on the corner of a ledge pretty hard.  He got help and sat with ice and a napkin for about 30 minutes before I arrived on the scene.

He held it together very well that whole time as I was told that he had been so brave!  As I approached him, he started to cry a bit (what is it about a mother’s presence that opens the emotional faucets?) and when we walked out and got into the car, I told him that it’s ok to cry, and if he wants to just let it all out then he can.

I had no idea what I was in for as Niagara Falls came to visit.  He wailed and sobbed so hard it worried me.  It initially made me feel like the situation actually got worse, to see him go from not even crying to bawling so aggressively.

But I knew that it was all those pent up emotions coming out, now that he was in his safe place.  It was really sad for me to see (and hear) him in such agony. 

I was fighting every bone inside of me that wanted to tell him that he’s going to be ok, and instead did my best to practice empathy and put myself in his shoes and just feel his misery alongside him.  Both the physical pain of his lip, and the emotional pain of basically missing out on the birthday party that he had been so excited for.

As he continued to cry off and on, I had a moment of distressing that I was raising a “cry baby”, but THIS POST that I was in the middle of writing was obviously in the forefront of my mind, and I wrestled within myself between worrying and believing the truth that it’s actually healthy to cry –whether you are a boy or girl!

(One reason why I love writing a blog is because it raises my awareness of so many issues/viewpoints/feelings since I’ve spent so many hours pondering and writing about them.)

And in case you’re wondering, we found out that he actually split his gums open about an inch across the bottom with a deep hole in the center!  An injury much worse than I originally thought it was!

This event has really made me think about some things, and I’d like to open this up to discussion… 

Do you think there is a “line” when it comes to encouraging kids to cry?  Or would you say that crying is always helpful, and it’s impossible to cry “too much”?

Here are some of my thoughts:

You can’t make a person feel anything that they don’t already feel (true statement).

If a child doesn’t feel like crying, and you tell them that it’s ok for them to cry if they want to, then one of 2 things will happen…

1. They won’t cry, or
2. They will try to cry, and may or may not successfully do so.

If they are unable to cry, then all is well because they were given full permission to feel and release all their emotions, which is great.

If they manage to rummage up some tears that otherwise would not have come, had you not suggested it, then what?  Did you “make” them cry?  Would you be accused of bad parenting by other adults?  Might you judge yourself, or worry that you are raising a wimpy kid?

The answer to the first question is NO, and the answer to the other two could very well be yes, only because people are entitled to their opinions.

 You cannot make someone feel something that they don’t already feel.

If a child isn’t going to cry and you give them permission to, if they muster up waterworks because of it, then there were already tears inside that needed to come out –whether due to the current incident, or something in the past.

You cannot make someone feel something that they don’t already feel.

Therefore, you cannot make someone cry who doesn’t have anything to cry about.

I’m talking about children, but I’m not just talking about children.  You and I are included in this!  And the more we can change our perspective on crying, and see it as a strength, the more help we can receive and give to others.

In all honesty, when I think of this playing out in real life scenarios, I see a LOT of crying individuals, which makes me revert back to what society has taught me and say “Oh no… what is happening… Never mind, we need to stop all this crying!”  But deep down I know that there is nothing wrong with it!  What do you think? 

I truly believe this quote:

This is not an overnight paradigm shift.  It’s going to take some conscious thought (and effort to keep that thought) in any moment of crying, or encouraging someone else to cry.  And the more we realize, understand, and believe the benefits of crying, the easier it will be when it happens.

I believe we can all agree that we always feel better after a good cry.

This is because crying brings your body back to a place of equilibrium, meaning when you feel strong emotions of any kind, crying is a natural process of bringing back a sense of balance to your body.  Crying also dulls pain by releasing oxytocin and endogenous opioids, aka endorphins!

In the moment of crying, it is not pleasant to feel the emotionally painful feelings.  But releasing the emotions instead of trapping them will help you heal.

A month and a half after I was married, my husband moved 3+ hours away to work for the National Forest Service on a helitack crew (repelling out of helicopters to fight forest fires –I know, he’s cool like that!).  He was gone Monday through Friday, and would come home on the weekends.

I was messed up big time because of this.  I went from living with a bunch of roommates, hanging out with friends all the time, and having a very fun social life…

…to…

…being married, excluded from my single friends (for more reasons than just being married), and living alone with my far from affectionate cat.

I remember one day when I came home from work, I couldn’t take it anymore and I just fell to the floor and laid there crying.  My cat walked by, and I tried to get some sympathy snuggles from her which was not going to happen.  I wished I had a dog as I meandered to my room and cried on my bed.

I cried and cried, and cried and CRIED!  In my mind, I was thinking that I was literally going to cry all night.  I had been holding everything in for so long, and I was just ready to let it all out.

However…

I eventually stopped.  I didn’t try to stop, in fact, I tried to keep crying!  Once my tears wound down, I thought of all the things that were sad and frustrating to me again, and I gave my best effort to keep the rivers running.  But I felt like a little kid who was pretending, as I literally made the pathetic sound of a fake cry.

Once I realized I had no more tears left in me, I gave a surprised shoulder shrug and said “welp, I guess I’m done!”  And that was it for me.  Even moving forward, I was more able to handle being alone because I wasn’t stuffing that emotion anymore.

Depending on the severity of your situation, you may need anywhere from a 5 minute crying session to an extended grieving period.

Speaking to you, if you just need to let some emotions out and get over it, I say YOU GOT THIS!  No matter what it is, I know there is a pot of gold for you on the other side of the rainbow, once the storm passes.  Allow yourself to feel, without placing any judgement on yourself, and just CRY!

But should you have a longer road ahead, with true heartache to cry over –I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling.  I don’t know if you have cried so much that you’re tired of crying even though you still have so much to cry about.  My soul weeps for you.  I pray for you.  I wish that I were there to give you a hug and take a turn crying for you.  (Taking a moment of silence in your behalf… )   

No matter your situation, I do know that feeling and releasing your emotions through crying is beneficial.  There can be a time and a place to let it ALL out, but if you ever find yourself unable to hold back and “wait” for what you’d consider more appropriate timing, do not feel ashamed or embarrassed for expressing your emotions.

Others might feel uncomfortable around you, but it’s only because people generally aren’t sure how to respond… Do they give you a hug?  Do they pretend they don’t notice?  They don’t know what you want them to do…  and that’s all ok.  Just be patient with them, and don’t feel responsible for their feelings.

All of this said, (and maybe I should have led with this…) I must note that being overly sensitive to the smallest things or crying often for reasons that you’re unsure of is not necessarily healthy and there may be some mental health issues going on.

If this is the case for you (or a loved one), I encourage you to seek out professional help for depression or anxiety.  I have some great referrals; if you’d like them, let me know.  I have received some excellent help myself!

But when you know that you have a legit reason to cry –because you are sad, lonely, heartbroken, hurt, etc., then crying is healthy and a sign of strength.

The next time you have the urge to cry, whether it’s because of physical pain, frustration, sadness, an emotional movie, embarrassment, or even pure JOY, I urge you to allow yourself to cry, cry and cry until you cannot cry anymore!

Tell me, what are your views on crying?  Is it embarrassing?  Do you think you can change the way you feel about crying?  Do you think it’s possible to cry too much?  I’m going to be thinking about this a lot myself!  Especially in terms of children and where that line is drawn when it comes to “fostering fake crying vs encouraging them to express their emotions”.  Stay tuned for next weeks post on that subject, and please tell me if you have any input on the matter!  I will incorporate your thoughts!

Love you, and crying tears of hope that we can all honor our emotions.

Kayleen

SDG

Read my post about the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and what I did to receive help.

You might also like some fun ideas for self-care, check out 27 Simple Ways to Rejuvenate Yourself.

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