Do you want to see results in your life?  Or do you want to see the results that you WANT in life?  Haha… Gotcha!  I’ve got a formula for you that will help guide you through any problem or situation to any result you desire!  But don’t give me the credit for it, I’m just happy to pass along the good news!

I love Jody Moore.  I listen to her podcast and have learned a lot from her.  She has talked a lot about this throughout the years, but in one of her first episodes, she explains it in detail.  (And btw, she is also just sharing what she learned from Brooke Castillo).  Ok… have I given credit where credit is due?  Alright, moving on!

Here’s the main idea:

For everything we experience, we go through this cycle:

Circumstances –> Thoughts –> Feelings –> Actions –> Results

(Then the result becomes our new circumstance)

You cannot choose your results, in the sense of naming what you want then snapping your fingers and receiving it!  You have to back up and choose your ACTIONS.  However, your actions are highly determined by your FEELINGS.  And… you knew this was coming… Your feelings are derived from your THOUGHTS.  Your thoughts come because of your circumstances, but they are not set in stone.  You CAN actually change and choose your thoughts!

So let’s go through each part of the cycle and explain things in detail, with some real life examples.

Circumstances:

These are the things that just are.  Whether it’s something that we actually have control over or not.  For example, a messy house.  Technically, we have some control over that and can clean up if we want to.  But we cannot control other people’s actions, so if there is someone who keeps leaving their dirty socks around the house, that is out of our control.

This is a place for FACTS only.  To say that “my son doesn’t care about picking up after himself” would actually be a THOUGHT because you’re assuming he doesn’t care.  (Unless he actually said those words, then you could say “my son said _______”).  Otherwise, a fact might be “my son leaves his socks around the house”.  That would be a fact with zero opinion attached.

Our circumstances don’t mean anything until we give it a thought.  Your culture, social experiences, upbringing, and everything else you’ve learned is going to mold your automatic thoughts.

A common thought for someone leaving their socks around is that they shouldn’t.

Wouldn’t you agree that my son shouldn’t leave his socks around the house?  Well… much to my dismay, he actually should.  In other words, there’s a reason he does it, and whatever that is, it’s what he does.  Maybe I don’t WANT him to, but everything is as it should be, given all the experiences and such that we’ve all had.

Does this make sense?

If someone yells at you for letting your dog bark, the circumstance is that they got angry with you.  What would that mean to you?  Would you have the THOUGHT that they should have been nicer?

Why “should” they have been nicer?  You don’t know their life experience, and if they’re yelling, there’s a reason for it.  Maybe their parents yelled at them for everything, and that’s all they know how to do.  So all things considered, it’s exactly what they should be doing.

Remember our thoughts come because of our circumstances, but we don’t have to stick with the first thought that pops into our head.  We can actually choose our thoughts!

Feelings

Instead of jumping into our thoughts next, we’re going to explore our feelings.

Going with the sock example, I have seen dirty socks on my floor and immediately FELT frustrated.  So how does that happen if there’s supposed to be a thought in between?  Unless you are highly aware, and observing yourself, you will miss the thought every time!

In order to find the thought, it’s easiest to start with your feeling:

“I feel angry, I feel unimportant, I feel used or annoyed…”

Let’s say that your friends planned a get together and did not invite you.  When you find out about it, how do you feel?  –Rejected?  Confused?  Upset?  Excluded?

Those are some tough feelings to work through, much more so than being frustrated about dirty laundry laying around!

So now let’s move to thoughts…

Thoughts

With those type of feelings coming up, it’s likely that you’d be having these kinds of thoughts (aka, this is what you’re making your circumstances mean):

“They don’t like me.  There’s something wrong with me.  They don’t want to be my friend anymore.  Maybe they never liked me.  I’m not good enough.”

Those thoughts will definitely bring feelings of rejection.

SO if you can catch yourself at any point (whether you give yourself time to cry it out and feel all the hard feelings, or if you’re practiced and aware enough to do this early on), you can pause and think up some alternative thoughts.

How about some thoughts like:

“I don’t KNOW why they didn’t invite me.  Maybe it was on purpose, maybe it was an accident.  Perhaps they didn’t think I’d like the activity or the invitee’s were limited.  They seem to like me and enjoy my company when we’re together.  I’m glad to have them as friends, and I realize that we are not married and therefore don’t have to invite each other to everything.  I think they still like me.  This doesn’t not change our relationship.”  Some of those thoughts might work for you while others not so much.

They are all thoughts that can still address the fact that you were not invited, but they will most likely leave you feeling at least neutral if nothing else.

Action

Our actions follow our feelings.  What action would naturally take place if you felt the first set of feelings?  Would you be likely to be snippy with them the next time you saw them?  Or would you try to avoid them?  Would you distance yourself from them?  Is there a chance you would spread unkind things about them to other mutual friends?  I don’t know… But certainly, I think it’s safe to say that not very many joyful actions are going to come from this.

With the second set of thoughts you set yourself FREE from all the pain of rejection and self-doubt.

With more neutral thoughts, it’s probable that you would feel peace and contentment.  And your actions to follow could be no different than if you never knew you were uninvited.

Results

One result is that you might lose your friends, the other is you keep them.  Which result would you prefer?

I had a falling out with a friend that I’d known for 8 years that lasted for a few years.  Everything has been dandy for at least the past 10 years, but I wonder how things might have been different if I would have known and practiced this concept.

Conclusion

Now, as promised, here is your formula that will help guide you to your desired results!

1. Name your circumstance.
2. Ask yourself what you are making it mean. (What current thoughts are you having about it)
3. Now remove your opinion, and make a factual statement about it.
4. Expound on this, and brainstorm several new thoughts until you find some that resonate with you, and lead you to a feeling you’d like to have. (If it helps to first ask yourself how you want to feel, you can do that.  Then find the thoughts that bring you there.)
5. Everything else will naturally follow!

If you find yourself slipping back to old thoughts/feelings, repeat steps 2 through 4, and either reiterate the thoughts you originally came up with or try out some new ones.  Make sure you can really get behind the new thoughts you choose.

Since this is a new concept, and the different situations are endless, I’ll give a few more examples of new thoughts you can choose and how they could lead to the results you want.

DESIRED RESULT:  I want to feel good about my body

1. Circumstance/fact: I weigh 200 lbs
2. What am I making it mean?: I am overweight, I should lose some weight
3. Remove opinion, make factual statement: I weigh as much as I should, given the life I have lived.
4. New possible thoughts: I’m grateful to have a body.  I cherish my body, since it’s the only one I’ll ever have.  I have working body parts.  I can participate in all the fun activities my body allows me to.  I want to take good care of my body so that I will be able to continually do the things I love.  I love myself no matter what.
5. Everything will naturally follow:

• If you truly resonate with, believe in, and focus on such thoughts, your feelings will be something of gratitude, love, joy, and maybe a little determination or excitement.
• Those feelings will lead to action. Gratitude alone is magical, and can do wonders in and of itself!  Plus, if you were to eat nourishing foods and move your body in LOVE and JOY, I know that the results would astonish you.
• Now, what if you do everything to a T, and you still weigh 200 pounds after a year? Well, if you truly have worked through your thoughts, and have those positive feelings about yourself and your body, then you will have achieved the greatest result of all.  Loving yourself no matter what is one of the sweetest gifts you could ever give yourself.
• But do not let this worry you… if you truly come to a place of love and acceptance for yourself, and are joyfully taking care of your body in gratitude, that is a sure formula for your body to respond and adapt.
• Just don’t try to trick yourself into thinking “ok, I’ll say that I’m grateful for my body and I love myself no matter what, but only so that I’ll be able to lose 50 pounds”. It doesn’t work like that.
• People can weigh 100 pounds and still not feel good about themselves. And some can weigh 300 pounds and truly feel peace, joy, love and confidence in their skin.  Remember, the way your body looks does not determine how you feel about yourself.  –It’s the thought of whatever you’re making it mean that determines how you feel.

Ok, next example:

DESIRED RESULT:  I want to increase my income

1. Circumstance/fact: We make $X a year.
2. What am I making it mean?: We’re poor.  We’re struggling just to get by.  It’s just my lot in life to live in poverty.
3. Remove opinion, make factual statement: We live in abundance.
4. New possible thoughts: All of our physical needs are being met.  We have a roof over our heads and food on the table.  I can flip a switch and receive automatic electricity.  I can turn a knob and wash my hands in warm running water.  I am sincerely grateful for what I have.  I have so many material things that I am constantly donating items to good will.  Abundance flows into my life with ease and grace.  Any wage I ask of life, life will willingly pay.  My destiny is not pre-determined.  There are endless opportunities out there to make more money.  I can do anything I want to.
5. Everything will naturally follow:

• Focusing on what you HAVE and realizing you have so much to be thankful for is very powerful. It is the best place to start if you want to increase your net worth.  You can experience a whole new world when you practice gratitude.
• I honestly believe that when you do this, you will start to see money miracles pop up in your life. But even if not, the result of feeling grateful for everything you have is true bliss.
• Imagine how you would FEEL if you believed you could double your income. Would you feel excited, grateful, happy, or generous?
• What ACTIONS would you take from feeling that way? Would you look for a new job?  Would you ask for a raise?  Would you work a side job?  Would you follow the dream of your heart to make money doing something you LOVE?  Would you keep trying different strategies until you found one that worked?
• If you are constantly thinking “Any wage I ask of life, life will willing pay”, what impact will that have on your actions?
• I feel with all the energy of my soul that anyone can take an unexpected path to a new way of living. If you were born and raised in poverty, you can be the first generation millionaire!  Your current financial situation and whatever you were taught have nothing to do with how you feel about your future financial situation.  –It’s the thought of whatever you’re making it mean that determines how you feel.

Shall we do one more?

DESIRED RESULT:  I want to have a better relationship with my spouse

1. Circumstance/fact: My spouse and I disagree on certain matters.
2. What am I making it mean?: We should be on the same page.  He doesn’t care about my opinion.  He needs to change. 
3. Remove opinion, make factual statement: We’re different people and we have different viewpoints and opinions.
4. New possible thoughts: His idea might work.  We can agree to disagree.  We can each have our own parenting style.  Somehow, things are working out even though we disagree.  I know he loves me and cares about me.  I love him and value his input.  What a great opportunity to use my creative compromising skills. 
5. Everything will naturally follow:

• If you are putting your thoughts and energy into thinking such neutral beliefs, how is that naturally going to make you feel?
• If you can let go of the thought that your way is the best way, you will free yourself from the worry and stress that things might get messed up.
• You might even find that you feel peace and relief from so much pressure.
• If your stress level goes down, how will that impact your actions? Will you be kinder and more loving toward your spouse?
• If you’re treating your honey nicely, and enjoying their company, it’s likely that you will see the result of being more satisfied in your marriage.
• Anything that your spouse does or doesn’t do does not determine how you feel. –It’s the thought of whatever you’re making it mean that determines how you feel.

Here are a few tips to remember when you’re trying to remove your opinion and make a factual statement:

• Everything is as it should be. (If your house is a mess, then that means that people have not been picking up after themselves or each other, and houses don’t just clean themselves, so your house should be a mess if no one is picking it up).
• Everyone has a reason for doing what they do, and whatever they’re doing is what they should do, given their experiences.
• Values and morals are opinions.
• Patterns or ways of the past do not determine the future.

See if you can progress yourself along a simple problem before diving into something complicated.  Your brain will be so happy that it figured it out, it will make some awesome neuro connections to help make it easier the next time.

If you have a specific situation going on and are having a hard time following this formula, I’d be happy to help you work through it!  My email is on the About page.

Good luck with everything!

Kayleen

SDG

Did this post open your eyes to what “should” and “should not” be?  For more, read my take on 7 Things the Church Says We Should Do.

Did you know that it shows strength to cry?  If you’d like to give it a try, this post will help you navigate your way through feeling your emotions.