Fake crying or passively asking for attention.  We’ve all seen it done in one form or another.  Do you personally have compassion and attend to their needs, or does it make you want to ignore the person even more?  Let’s dive into a healthy response!

First, we must cover the basic ground of ‘why a person would want (and ask for) attention’.  It always comes down to some sort of emotional need, right?  And 9 times out of 10, I’ll bet that they couldn’t even tell you the root of why they have that need.

Does it stem from their childhood or adolescence?  (I don’t have stats on this, but I’ll bet it usually does).  Or how about some sort of trauma that happened at any age that they’ve not yet fully processed, and they are trying to reach out for help but they don’t properly know how? 

What if you’ve known someone for a long time, and you are so tired of them “asking for attention”?

If someone is in need of praise, why not give them praise?  If someone needs you to feel sad with them for a moment, why not have empathy?  If someone needs to feel noticed, why not acknowledge them?

My sister-in-law is a beautiful example of lifting others in need.  I have seen her swoop in to answer the crying calls of an emotionally hurting individual (whom everyone else was ignoring for annoyance reasons) and offer over-the-top, gushing, loving attention.  What an angel and example to me!

It seems as though some people have a hole so deep that no matter how much attention they get, it will never be enough.  You might know someone like this, and you might be surprised to find out that you could be in the same boat.

May I suggest you do some deep thinking over these questions to bring awareness to your own emotional needs?

• When you get physically hurt, what are your inner thoughts and desires about people knowing you got injured?
• When you achieve something that you’ve put a lot of time and energy into, do you (openly or secretly) want others to know?
• What is your outer AND inner response when someone gives you a compliment?

Those are just a few questions you can ask yourself to start exploring your deepest hidden thoughts and feelings.

Be honest.  This is just for your benefit; you don’t have to tell anyone else.

This video may also help open your eyes.  JP is usually a jokester, and I was sorta disappointed to realize that this is a serious video, but he does throw in a little of his humor (along with one *h* word, sorry!) and it’s definitely worth viewing.

It’s hard to be vulnerable, even when there’s no one around to witness it.  Many people tend to hide from their own emotions because it’s too hard to face them and they might have a desire to ‘just be strong’.

But I truly want to help you bloom, so I will go first and expose all my insecurities in hopes that it helps you accept yours (because yeah, we ALL have insecurities).

In an effort not to write an entire novel, I will just say that throughout my life I have always felt uncomfortable when too much attention was on me.  After a piano recital or any other performance, I felt embarrassed receiving compliments.  When my friends would spend too much time talking and laughing about things I’ve done, I would literally start to shrink back and change the subject to someone else.

And not only did I dread and deter attention, I straight out denied it before I even knew if it would be offered.  When I was puking in the bathroom from morning sickness, I would lock the door so as to prove to my husband that I wasn’t looking for anyone to come in and comfort me.  I have often suffered alone because I did not want to ask for attention, and I WANTED to be someone who didn’t need attention.

Yes… I wanted to be someone who didn’t need attention. 

Those people who JP said are “so needy that they need to not be needy”…. wow, I guess that’s me!

Though deep down, I knew I was putting on a façade; I secretly hoped that people would give me attention without me having to ask for it, so it would look like I don’t care about it.

Through Rapid Eye Therapy, I received the help to dig through all my layers to find the root of why I think, feel, and act this way.  It’s an amazing process that for me is personally led by crying. 

When something triggers me to tears and I can’t even say why, we know we’ve found something to work on (which happened when we looked at my 2 year old self). 

I was 26 months when my little brother was born.  And it is well known that when a new baby comes, all the other little people in the house are promoted to the next level of “independence”.  This is no fault of anyone, it’s just a fact of life.

All we could figure was that the particular way I handled the situation was by saying:

“I don’t want to be a bother”

“I will take care of myself”

“I don’t need attention”

“I’m ok, this is fine”

All of those phrases fit in the story of a baby being born, and each one is spot on for how I have felt my entire life for as long as I can remember.  Of course we don’t really know if it started as a two year old or if I just came into the world that way, but either way, tears don’t lie, I was definitely feeling it at the time of the birth.

I have always been super independent and proud of it. 

From what I’m told, I was that little kid who accepted no help from anyone for anything.  This trait has served me well throughout my entire life!  And I struggled when I thought about it stemming from sadness.  By sadness, I mean… from actually wanting attention, but telling myself that I didn’t need it because I could take care of myself.

So I have gone my whole life shooing away attention, when deep down I knew I wanted it.

Of course I wanted my husband to come in and hold my hair back while I was dry heaving over the loo.  But I shut him out because I “needed” to show him that I don’t need attention.  When what I really wanted was for him to beat the door down and come to my aid.  This is raw for me, and I’m crying now as I say it.

I want attention.

But I feel uncomfortable when I admit that.

It’s something that I’m currently working on.

It’s OK to want attention, is it not??  Am I wrong to think that every person on this planet wants attention (whether they admit or realize it)?  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs states that the need of “love and belonging” is right after physiological and safety needs.

Needing attention really comes down to needing a ‘sense of connection’ and having ‘meaningful relationships’.  A call for attention is a call for connection.

Is it just me, or does it seem like those who are not shy about asking for attention are the ones who possibly need it most, and/or get it the least?  That’s messed up.

I will shamefully admit that I have withheld attention from people in the past because of my belief that I shouldn’t ask for attention -and if I shouldn’t ask, then neither should anyone else.  Therefore I ignored, redirected, or minimized their plea.  I love the way that Emma McAdam addresses this in her Therapy in a Nutshell video (by the way, my claim to fame –I went to school with her! lol):

How do you feel about giving other people attention when they passively ask for it?  Or what about kids who fake cry and exaggerate in order to get more attention?

That is very valuable information as a parent!  It lets you know that your child is in need, and you can be more conscientious about giving them the attention they seek at OTHER times, so that they don’t associate “having to be hurt or sad” as the best way to get attention.  

Kids are wise!  They know that when they need a hug, all they have to do is cry.  Let’s teach them that they can have snuggles any time they want, even when it’s not accompanied by tears.

Do any emotions arise for you when you think of the attention that you’re getting or not getting?

There is healing available for you if you can find the right help.  I was able to beautifully resolve my toddler ordeal just in time before I gave birth to my fourth child. 

With a lifetime of feeling guilty to receive my mom’s help, I was finally able to come to a place of love and peace in realizing that she truly desires to help me, and that I have never been a burden to her.

Once my son was born, I was able to graciously accept every meal she brought over (and now living 2 minutes away, she brought more than EVER).  I loved it all, and I felt love instead of guilt.  I finally allowed my mother to love me and care for me.  I suppose you could say that the attention was wonderful, and it has been ever since.

The discomfort of being vulnerable is so worth the reward of healing.

I encourage you to give it a try. 

And the next time you encounter someone “asking for attention” just know that there is a hurting soul inside who needs a hug. 

Instead of ignoring their bid, try honoring their feelings and inviting them to talk about it.  You never know what kind of impact you can have on someone.  And more importantly, don’t wait for anyone to “ask”; everyone loves attention, and you could be the hero in someone’s life for providing it.

In closing, I hope you realize that I am speaking in general terms.  I know that there are toxic individuals who need more help than you can (or should try to) provide them.  In some cases, it’s best for you to have minimal or zero contact with them, but you can always choose to see them as God does.  A prayer in their behalf could be a great option.

This message is intended to open your eyes to a new perspective on the need for attention; which is to realize that it is a normal healthy need and desire.  You can need and want attention.  You are loved.

I love you.

Thanks for being here with me today; your support means so much.

I wish you the best, and hope that you’re doing well.

Kayleen

SDG

If you missed last week’s post on releasing your emotions, it compliments this post very well!  Read it and then go have yourself a good cry.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace and can help you through any hard time.  Read this post on how He helped me.

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