How many trials have you had in your life?  Too many to count, I’m sure.  You may be able to tell many stories of all the awful things you’ve gone through, but there’s more than just stories to tell because the significance of trials isn’t in the experiences themselves, but rather, what we learn from them.  And ultimately not just what we learn, but how close they bring us to Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 3:5 says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding”.

In 2019, I was given the spiritual “trust in the Lord 101” course, when I found myself in the ER with my toddler, not knowing whether he would live or die.  (This post shares the details leading up to this event, if you’re interested.)

I’ll say, it doesn’t take much to break a mother.  One threat to her child’s life, and she is crumbled to the ground, as I was that night.  But I had learned a few years earlier what it means to have faith in Jesus Christ.  It means that no matter what happens, He will make everything ok.  It doesn’t mean that He’ll take away every pain or heartache, but rather that He will help, comfort, and guide us through anything.

So after a good cry, and half a night’s rest, I arose the next morning feeling much better.  My heart and mind were on Christ –thinking, hoping, and knowing that He will make everything ok –no matter what happened.  And the indescribable, overall feeing I had was very peaceful.  The best word I could think of to describe it was “whole”, as in “not broken”.

I just felt whole.

When I went to relief society in the hospital, they talked about the woman with an issue of blood (which was interesting to me because I was there with my son who was also having an issue with his blood).  And when they read the scripture where Jesus tells her “thy faith hath made thee whole” (Mark 5:34), I felt like those words were speaking to me, and it brought that scripture alive and applicable to us in our day!  That having faith in Jesus Christ will help us feel “whole” and “not broken” inside.

Well, over the next few days, we found out what was going on with my son, and it turned out that there was a 95% cure rate for his condition.  All he needed was 2 years of treatment and medicine, and he would be good to go!

I was so relieved!  I would get to keep my son, and that’s all I cared about.  I was more than happy to go through the motions of appointments and meds because I loved the assurance from his doctor that he would live!

In other words….. I didn’t need Jesus anymore.  Because I had put my trust in man.  Man said that my son would be ok, and that’s what I wanted to hear.  That’s what would get me through this.  And that’s what I focused on.

Any time someone asked me how things were going, I always said that things were great!  I would highlight the fact that he is alive and will get through this alive!  I felt so grateful for the promise of his life, and I truly just focused on that; and in a nutshell, I would say that the whole chemo process was a “breeze” for me.  Yes, there were long days and hard days, but after the initial day of being sent to the ER, I shed very few tears.

For 2 years I had confidence like no other, focusing on that 95% cure rate!  I had little interest in continuing my thoughts of “no matter what happens, Christ will help me through it”.

Of course this was not a conscious thought!  And I still loved Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, and was so thankful for all of their love and blessings!  I prayed in daily gratitude for the gift of health and life of my family.  It’s just in looking back that I can see where I had put my trust.  I was desperate for a solid promise of the life of my child, and wanted to keep a “positive” attitude, leaving no room for “no matter what happens”.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding”.

Well, I failed that test, so I guess it only makes sense that after those 2 years were almost up, and we were just a couple months away from finally being done with all treatments, that I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown.

I had found “safety” in the medicine, and knowing that it was ending meant that I had nothing to make me feel safe anymore.  Thoughts of “what if it comes back?”  evolved into overall vulnerability in other aspects of my life.

For example, every time my family got into a car and drove down the highway, I would panic inside, fearful of what could happen.  And we won’t even mention the ultra-terror attacks I had on the freeway.  I suddenly knew how precious life was and had become soul-crushingly aware that there is nothing that anyone can do to prevent tragedy.

Not even doctors.

I won’t go into further detail, but I was not well.  I tried to go back to what I had learned years earlier and tell myself that “Christ will make everything ok no matter what happens”, but I was too far gone down the rabbit hole.

At my worst point, I wrote a poem (Unbreakable).  It doesn’t rhyme, and may or may not make sense to you.  I did not write it with the intention of ever sharing it.  I wrote it for my own sake.  I felt like a lost case, and just had a strong urge to write something.  But even with that said, I share it now because you might be able to relate in some way.

In writing that poem, I realized that I needed professional help, and I finally got some.

That professional help led me step by step back to Christ.  I received the mantra “I love God and I trust His plan” and I would say that ANY time I felt scared.  At first, it would only help for minutes at a time, and I would have to repeat it several times.   But the more I said it (and the key is that I truly meant it and felt it each time I said it) the more it started to help me feel overall peace for longer periods.

That was in 2021, and I still use that phrase often.

I’ll never not need it.

I’ll never not need Jesus.

I am fragile.  I feel vulnerable.  I am broken.  And it is only with Him that I feel whole.

To trust in the Lord with all my heart means more to me now than it ever has.  I don’t just need to trust him, I want to trust Him, and I just DO trust him.  I love the slow and steady pace of being yoked to Him.  I can just close my eyes, and let Him lead each step.  It is extremely difficult to put my feelings into words, so I turned to poetry.  I wrote 2 different poems that have the same ending, so I named them Beautifully Broken, and Beautifully Broken (condensed version).

I don’t know what the future holds for me or my family.  But I trust the Lord.

I don’t know that I’ll sail through the rest of my life without hardship or heartache, but I know that God is always good.

And I know that focusing on HIM, trusting HIM, and loving HIM will be my best bet to get through anything.  He is the one sure way to everlasting peace and happiness.

I testify that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love each of us.  They want us close to them, they want us to choose them, and they will allow us many scary, hard, and painful experiences for us to learn from and have reason to draw closer to them.

I love reading your comments.  I would love to hear your thoughts.  And I have a feeling that there are others out there who would also like to hear what you have to say.

Love, love, love you!

Kayleen

SDG