“Habit 1, Be Proactive, is the key to unlocking all the other habits and that’s why it comes first.  Habit 1 says ‘I am the force.  I am the captain of my life.  I can choose my attitude.  I’m responsible for my own happiness or unhappiness.  I am in the driver’s seat of my destiny, not just a passenger.’”

Welcome back to the 7 Habits Series!  If you missed the first two posts, you can find them here and here.  Please start with them so you get the most from this series.

Alright, here we go!  Habit 1 is right up my alley!  I’m so glad to have another person’s perspective and words to share with you on this matter, as I have already said so much about it here, here, and here.

Sean starts off with the infamous example of someone cutting you off in traffic.  How do you normally respond to those frustrating drivers?  Do you get upset, or do you roll it off like water off a duck’s back?

He says, “Reactive people make choices based on impulse.  They are like a can of soda pop.  If life shakes them up a bit, the pressure builds and they suddenly explode.”

Does this sound familiar?  Perhaps not all the time, but maybe sometimes?

He continues, “Proactive people make choices based on values.  They think before they act.  They recognize they can’t control everything that happens to them, but they can control what they do about it.  Unlike reactive people who are full of carbonation, proactive people are like water.  Shake them up all you want, take off the lid, and nothing.  No fizzing, no bubbling, no pressure.  They are calm, cool and in control.”

Sean quotes John Bytheway in saying “When you’re reactive it’s like giving someone else the remote control to your life and saying, ‘Here, change my mood anytime you wish’.”

“So when someone is rude to you, where do you get the power to resist being rude back?  For starters, just push pause!”

You know that button in the middle of your forehead that you always wondered what it was for?  Now you know, apparently it’s a pause button!

Instead of feeling like you must respond immediately to a person or situation, just take a minute to get control of yourself and think about how you’d like to handle things.  Doing so will help you make smarter decisions.

During this quick timeout, as your thoughts are going a million miles an hour, you can pull out your “human brain toolbox”.  (The set of tools that animals do not have access to, and therefore rely on instinct.)

They are self-awareness, conscience, imagination, and willpower.  (I might argue that some animals do have willpower, but that’s not what’s important here.)

“We either use or fail to use our four human tools every day of our lives.  The more we use them, the stronger they become and the more power we have to be proactive.  However, if we fail to use them, we tend to react by instinct like a dog and not act by choice like a human.”

There is also more to being proactive than just keeping your cool when things go wrong.  It’s taking responsibility for every aspect of your life.

Sean says to listen to your language!

Here are some common reactive phrases given in the book:

• “That’s me. That’s just the way I am.”  This translates to “I’m not responsible for the way I act.  I can’t change.  I was predetermined to be this way.”
• “If so-and-so wasn’t bossy/grouchy/stingy/annoying/etc. then things would be different.” The message behind this is “They are the cause of all my problems, not me.”
• “Thanks a lot. You just ruined my day.”  In other words, “I’m not in control of my own moods.  You are.”
• “If only I made more money, had a different house, a nicer car, better friends, etc…. then I’d be happy.” You’re actually saying “I’m not in control of my own happiness, ‘things’ (or circumstances) are.”

With reactive language, you are giving your power to someone or something else, while you sit in the back seat and watch where they take you.

Characteristics of Reactive People:

• Feel like victims
• Are easily offended
• Blame others
• Get angry and say things they later regret
• Whine and complain
• Wait for things to happen to them
• Change only when they have to

Characteristics of Proactive people:

• Are not easily offended
• Take responsibility for their choices
• Think before they act
• Bounce back when something bad happens
• Always find a way to make it happen
• Focus on things they can do something about, and don’t worry about things they can’t

“Remember, you don’t have to be perfect.  In reality, you and I aren’t either completely proactive or reactive but probably somewhere in between.  The key then is to get in the habit of being proactive so you can run on autopilot and not even have to think about it.

If you’re choosing to be proactive 20 out of 100 times on average each day, try doing it 30 out of 100.  Then 40.  Never underestimate the huge difference small changes can make.”

It is of utmost importance to understand that the only choices that are yours to make, are the ones that have to do with your actions, attitude, and responses.

It can be very frustrating when people don’t act the way you want them to (especially when you’re a parent, and your kids aren’t eating the food you wish they would), but it is much less frustrating when you focus on what YOU can do, instead of what you want THEM to do.

The same thing applies when life throws you a curve ball.  If your energy is put toward being upset with what happened, wishing you could undo it, or thinking that your life is ruined, you will find yourself in a very unhappy place.

A man named W. Mitchell is proof that life is what you make of it, no matter what happens to you.

He was in a motorcycle accident where his elbow was crushed, pelvis fractured, and 65% of his body burned –his face completely burned off, fingers charred and twisted, and nothing but raw, red flesh for legs.

Can you believe that a few years after recovering from that, he was involved in a freak airplane crash and became paralyzed from the legs down?!

He said “Before all this happened to me, there were 10,000 things I could do.  Now there are 9,000.  I could spend the rest of my life dwelling on the 1,000 that I lost, but I choose to focus on the 9,000 that are left.”

Since his two accidents, Mitchell has become a self-made millionaire, a sought-after speaker, a mayor, a river rafter, and skydiver.  All with a patchwork of skin grafts on his face, stubs for fingers, and useless legs.

“Mitchell says his secret is twofold.  First is the love and encouragement of friends and family, and second is a personal philosophy he has gleaned from various sources.  He realized he did not have to buy society’s notion that one must be handsome and healthy to be happy.  ‘I am in charge of my own spaceship,’ he states emphatically.  ‘It is my up, my down.  I could choose to see this situation as a setback or a starting point.’”

(Sean does make note that “If you have been abused, it’s not your fault.  And the truth has to be told.  Abuse thrives in secrecy.  By telling another person, you immediately divide your problem in half.  Talk with a loved one, take part in a help session, or visit a professional therapist.”)

“Being proactive really means two things.  First, you take responsibility for your life.  Second, you have a ‘can-do’ attitude.”

“American aviator Elinor Smith once said, ‘It has long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them.  They went out and happened to things.’

It’s so true.  To reach your goals in life, you must seize the initiative.  If you’re feeling bad about not (having friends), don’t just sit around and sulk, do something about it.  Find ways to meet people.  Be friendly and try smiling a lot.  Ask them out (to lunch or something).  They may not know how great you are.”

If you want to have a party on your birthday, then plan it!  Don’t sit around and hope that someone reads your mind and does it.

If you want your family to do their part in keeping the house clean, then step up and create a system that will get things in order.

How about if you want to follow the dream of your heart, but you’re afraid to step out on a limb?  Keep that can-do attitude, and do it!  You’ll find that it gets less scary the more you do it.

Sean asks, “Are you in the drivers seat of your life or are you merely a passenger?  Are you conducting your symphony or simply being played?  Are you acting like a can of soda pop or a bottle of water?  After all that’s said and done, the choice is yours!”

Baby Steps:

• Listen carefully to your words today. Count how many times you use reactive language, such as “you make me…” “I have to…” “Why can’t they…” “I can’t…”
• Do something today that you have wanted to do but never dared. Leave your comfort zone and go for it.
• Write yourself a Post-it note: “I will not let _______ decide how I’m going to feel.”  Place it on your mirror or cupboard and refer to it often.
• At the next social gathering, don’t just sit and wait for excitement to find you, you find it. Walk up and introduce yourself to someone new.
• If you have an argument with someone, be the first to apologize.
• Identify something in your circle of no control that you are always worrying about. Decide now to drop it.
• Push the pause button before you react to someone who irks you.
• Use your tool of self-awareness right now by asking yourself, “What is my most unhealthy habit?” Make up your mind to do something about it.

Remember, don’t feel like you have to do all the baby steps.  Just pick whichever ones stand out to you, then make sure you follow through with what you tell yourself you’re going to do.  Write them down so you remember!  Think what a deposit that will be to your PBA!

Until next week!

Thanks for being here!

Kayleen

SDG

Ever find yourself looking at someone else’s life and thinking that they have it all?  Would you be floored if I told you they might think the same thing of you?  Read Your Grass Can Be Greener Too to find out why!

Guess what?!  After all this talk of taking control of your life, I’m here to say that You Don’t Have Ant Control at All.