“Before you’ll ever win in the public arenas of life, you must first win private battles within yourself.  All change begins with you.”

Alright!  Let’s continue where we left off…  If you happened to miss the intro to this “7 Habits” series, you can find it here.

This chapter teaches how important it is to make a true change within yourself.  When you are struggling in a relationship or situation, it is so tempting to think “if only they would change”, or “if things were different, then I could move forward”.  But that is not how life works.

You must change yourself.

Sean Covey shares the writings of an Anglican bishop:

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world;

As I grew older and wiser I realized the world would not change.

And I decided to shorten my sights somewhat and change only my country.  But it too seemed immovable.

As I entered my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I sought to change only my family, those closest to me, but alas they would have none of it.

And now here I lie on my death bed and realize (perhaps for the first time) that if only I’d changed myself first, then by example I may have influenced my family and with their encouragement and support I may have bettered my country, and who knows I may have changed the world.

I’m going to guess that this is not the first time you’re hearing the idea that “change begins with you”.

But just exactly HOW are you supposed to change?

Sean focuses on the method of building up your “personal bank account” (or PBA)!  This is basically the way you feel about yourself.

The better you feel about yourself, the better you will treat others and have a better outlook on life.  Same goes for the opposite –the worse you feel about yourself, the worse you treat others and the worse you view life.

He gives 6 suggestions of ways you can make deposits to your personal bank account, which we will go over now:

1.  KEEP PROMISES TO YOURSELF

When you tell yourself that you’re going to do something, make sure that it’s something you can actually follow through with.  Even a small promise (like telling yourself that you’re going to go on a walk today), when kept, will still make a deposit to the way you feel about yourself. 

You will eventually learn that you can trust yourself, the same way you can depend on a good friend to come through.

If you make a million dollar promise to yourself and break it, that’s going to be a huge withdrawal and will be very difficult to earn your own trust back.  It’s better to start with $1, $5, $10, and $25 deposits, and work your way up to $100 and $500 deposits.

If I may quote a comment that a friend made on my post “5 Essential Steps To Show Up For Yourself”, she said:

“I recently heard something on a podcast that I loved and it has helped me so much. They said “the best way to build your self confidence is to make and keep commitments to yourself” so if you want to do something or make a change you have to make a commitment and then keep it. So for me it meant I had to commit to something and not just retract it (after all, it’s easy giving up on yourself because nobody knows) but I had to do it and put in the work. And now I totally believe in myself and it’s been amazing. My self confidence and the way I speak to myself and view myself has changed! I am so much happier.”

2.  DO SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS

Sean states “I remember reading a statement by a psychiatrist who said that if you ever feel depressed, the best thing to do is to do something for someone else.  Why?  Because it gets you focused outward, not inward.”

With the Christmas season approaching, I have been thinking of my childhood Christmas’, and I want to recreate that for myself this year.  They were so magical, and I want that feeling back in my heart.

FYI, the magic of Christmas for me had nothing to do with Santa because… well… let’s just say I have no memory of believing in him.  Therefore, I figured I should be able to get the magic back even as an adult.

When I think of what it was like, I remember feeling so much love and kindness.  I felt generous, even with nothing of monetary value to give.  There was no fighting around Christmas time because… it was Christmas!  Christmas meant loving, giving, and thinking of others first.  That’s what was so magical about it for me.  Not that I had a heart two sizes too small, but each year when Christmas came around, my heart would “grow three sizes that day” (wink to my Grinch fans).

I would offer my siblings the front seat of the car, let them hold the remote, offer them to go first at Monopoly, and give them the best spot on the couch –all with a cheerful heart and a desire to get along.  And they would do the same for me, so sometimes I would be on the receiving side, but it was with generosity and love in my heart that I accepted it.

I can say with a surety that doing small acts of kindness truly does make major deposits to your personal bank account.  What better time of year to kick this off than the holiday season?

3.  BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF

“Being gentle with yourself means many things.  It means not expecting yourself to be perfect by tomorrow morning.  If you’re a late bloomer, and many of us are, be patient and give yourself time to grow.”

He says it means laughing at the dumb things you do and forgiving yourself when you make a mistake.  Mistakes and anything from the past are things for you to learn from, but not to beat yourself up over.

Thank you Sean for being the one to say that!  You know how passionate I am about this!  (Or maybe you don’t know… but I’ve written about it here, here, and here!  Just to name a few!)

“A ship at sea for many years picks up thousands of barnacles that attach themselves to the bottom of the ship and eventually weigh it down, becoming a threat to its safety.  Such a ship ultimately needs its barnacles removed, and the least expensive and easiest way is for the ship to harbor in a freshwater port, free of salt water.  Soon the barnacles become loose on their own and fall off.  The ship is then able to return to sea, relieved of its burden.

Are you carrying around barnacles in the form of mistakes, regrets, and pain from the past?  Perhaps you need to allow yourself to soak in fresh water for a while.  Letting go of a burden and giving yourself a second chance may just be the deposit you need right now.”

It is really such a wonderful way of life to treat yourself as gently as you would a dear friend.

4.  BE HONEST

First, remember self-honesty –be true to yourself.  Be genuine in all that you do.  Don’t try to fake who you are.

Actress Judy Garland said “Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”

This comes easier the more you love yourself.

When you do that, it will be more natural to be honest with others.

Each time you choose to be honest, whether to yourself or someone else, you will make a deposit to the way you feel about yourself.

5.  RENEW YOURSELF

“You’ve gotta take time for yourself, to renew and to relax.  If you don’t, you’ll lose your zest for life.”

Sometimes I think that when we’re told to “think of others first” or “do more service”, we take that to mean that we shouldn’t take time for ourselves at all.  And that you are selfish if you want to do something for yourself.

However, there is a time and a place to put yourself first!  If you run out of fuel while taking care of everyone else, you will no longer be able to help anyone.  It is paramount that you regularly re-fill your tank, so that you may retain your cheerful heart as you serve.  What this looks like, and how often you do it is up to you!  Only you will know what you need.  Click here for some ideas to get you started.  Locking myself in the bathroom, or hiding in a closet for a few minutes has done wonders for me in emergency situations –just sayin, haha!

6.  TAP INTO YOUR TALENTS

“Finding and then developing a talent, hobby, or special interest can be one of the single greatest deposits you can make into your PBA”, says Sean.

Why do you think this is?

As I’ve thought about it, I came to see how much meaning my talents, hobbies, and special interests have brought into my life.

Don’t get hung up on the word “talent”.  I don’t think you have to be particularly gifted at something to develop a talent.  Sure, some people are born with more of a natural ability than others, which does indeed help them along.  And whether or not you have been born with such natural abilities does not mean that you can’t practice and become great at something you love.

I have always loved to sew.  I used to think that I was really good at sewing because I did it so much (and I would hear other people say I was).  Then one day reality hit me, and I admitted that I wasn’t very good at it.  I just loved it and did it a lot.  I do not have a special talent for sewing, but it has always been a special interest of mine, and creating many projects throughout the years has brought me a lot of joy and satisfaction.  No matter the crooked or sloppy stitching!

Whether you’re doing something you’re good at, or something you enjoy (regardless of your skill), participating in such activities will definitely be a deposit to your PBA.

Think outside the box when seeking your talents and interests!  You already have so many!  Sean mentions:  “You may have a knack for reading, writing, or speaking.  You may have a gift for … being a fast learner or being accepting of others.  You may have organizational … or leadership skills.  It doesn’t matter where your talent may lie, whether it’s in chess, drama, or butterfly collecting, when you do something you like doing … –it’s exhilarating.  It’s a form of self-expression.”

I can say that each time I get out my sewing machine, hot glue gun, or cardstock, I feel happy and at one with myself.

CONCLUSION

I know that a change within yourself might not change the world, but it WILL change YOUR whole world.  I have experienced an inner change that truly has changed my life, which is why I have dedicated myself to sharing everything I know and understand. 

The 41 blog posts that I’ve written, and the 2 public speeches that I’ve given (with 2 more lined up btw), are all part of my mission to help you experience an inner change that will lift you up.

Taking responsibility for your life, and making the changes that you want to see happen is more rewarding than anything that can be handed to you on a silver platter.

Here are the “Baby Steps” listed at the end of this chapter to help you get started:

Keep Promises to Yourself:

• Get up when you planned to for 3 days in a row. (No snoozing, unless it’s part of the predetermined plan!)
• Identify one easy task that needs to be done today, like putting in a batch of laundry. Decide when you will do it.  Now, keep your word and get it done.

Do Random Acts of Service:

• Sometime today, do a kind anonymous deed, like writing a thank-you note, taking out the trash, or making someone’s bed.

Tap Into Your Talents:

• List a talent you would like to develop this year. Write down specific steps to get there.
• Make a list of the talents you most admire in other people. (This will tell you what you would most like to do yourself!)

Be Gentle With Yourself:

• Think about an area of life you feel inferior in. Now breathe deeply and tell yourself, “It’s not the end of the world.”
• Try to go an entire day without negative self-talk. Each time you catch yourself putting yourself down, you have to replace it with three positive thoughts about yourself.

Renew Yourself:

• Decide on a fun activity that will lift your spirits and do it today. For example, turn up the music and dance.
• Feeling lethargic? Get up right now and go for a fast walk around the block.

Be Honest:

• The next time you’re telling someone a story of what happened to you, share the complete story. Don’t leave out information meant to mislead or deceive.
• For one day, try not to exaggerate or embellish!

There you have it!  Pick the baby steps that resonate most with you and enjoy yourself as you continue to improve your life!  I think I’m going to go turn up the music and dance first!

See you next week as we discuss Habit #1!!

Kayleen

SDG

Do you need some accountability in your life?  Check out this post on 3 Tips to Keep Yourself Accountable.

You might be surprised at how effective visualization is at helping you achieve your goals.  Read 3 Reasons Why Visualization Boosts Success to find out why!