I know, I know… I create an entire blogsite with the theme of “take control of your life!” and now here I am saying that you can’t control anything.  But hear me out, I think you will agree with me in the next few minutes!

I think it’s needless to say that we can’t control anything outside of ourselves.  We don’t have control over what choices other people make, and we have no say in the weather, traffic, or the laws of physics, etc.

But I know what you’re thinking… You have the argument ready that “we can control ourselves and the things we do”.  Right?

Well, that is wrong.

The only thing we have is our agency, and…

Agency is NOT control.

It’s like choices and consequences.

We have our AGENCY to choose what we think and do, but we don’t have the CONTROL to also choose our consequence.

We can make choices all day long, but we do not have any control over how things will pan out.  In fact, some of the choices we make will infringe upon our own agency in the future.

Here’s how:

When it comes to choosing how we want to respond to any stimulus, we are already in a place of receiving our “consequence”.  I know that sounds confusing, so how about putting it this way:

You are only able to harness your own emotions to the degree that you are capable of in that moment. 

Meaning, as much as we always have a choice, sometimes we “lose control” over ourselves and do things that we later regret.

Would I ever choose to yell at my kids if my emotions were in check, and I was calm, cool, and collected?

Uh, no!

This is why self-care is so important!  (You can read this post for a list of self-care ideas).

So that we can maintain a healthy emotional state in hopes of being able to respond instead of react.

I have learned that SLEEP is my key to keeping myself in a position where I can more easily CHOOSE my response in any given stressful situation.  For some people I know, it’s FOOD.  “Hanger” is a real thing!

If I make the choice to stay up late several nights in a row (or get up too early), and my mind and body are TIRED because of it, I am now in the “consequence phase” of my earlier choices.  I don’t get to calmly choose how I respond when my toddler throws a tantrum at bedtime; I merely face the consequence of being physically depleted.

Which for me, when I had 3 littles always resulted in being grouchy.  (My babies and toddlers never slept well through the nights, so I was perma-tired for a long time).

Of course there are different ranges of this.  I am just trying to make a point.

Sometimes I had it in me to stop and take 3 deep breaths before saying a word, which was surprisingly helpful!  You do what you can in the moment, but that moment depends on how well you have been taken care of in the past.

Once my babes (and I) were all sleeping through the night, I loved the consequence that followed in being able to manage my emotions better!  I DELIGHT in being a happy and patient mommy!  And I want to keep myself physically and mentally able to be one!

This is not to say that we give ourselves “excuses” for poor behavior, saying “well, I had no control over myself”.  This is pointing out the fact that ALL of our choices have consequences, whether we notice them or not.  (Remember, the word “consequence” usually sounds negative, but it can be positive too!)

We need to take responsibility for all of our actions, including the lack of self-care. 

So to reiterate it again, there are times in life when it can feel like there is fog coverage around your agency, and you’re not as capable of making the choice you ultimately want to because you’re emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally off balance.

Now, since I made the bold statement of “you can’t control anything”, let me address this even further.

What about tiny insignificant things like “picking up a pen”?

When my life coach first brought this idea up to me, that’s what I got stuck on.  I thought “surely I have control over whether or not I pick up a pen!” 

Well, the consequence of picking up a pen could be that I successfully grasp it, or perhaps it could slip from my fingers and drop.  So no, I don’t even have control over that.  (Now, if I were to CAREFULLY pick it up, the consequence would likely be that of success.  But I still have no control whether someone else will swoop in and grab it before me.)

Here are a few examples of the “little things” explaining how we really don’t have the control we thought we did:

You can CHOOSE to make your favorite casserole for dinner, but you cannot control whether or not your oven malfunctions and burns it to crisps, or if an emergency will come up in the middle of making it and you need to abandon it.

You can CHOOSE to carefully take a drink of water, but you cannot control the earth and prevent a little rumble from happening in that exact moment, causing you to spill water on yourself.

One more…

You can CHOOSE to wear your favorite shirt today, but you cannot guarantee that it won’t get snagged or stained first thing in the morning.  A bird could easily drop a present on it while you’re walking to your car!

With each outcome you can make another choice –if your casserole burns, you can decide to be adamant and make the same one again or just opt for cereal or take out!  But you never really have control over any situation.  Just one choice after another!

In life, if you are determined to reach a certain goal, or bring to life the dream of your heart, you have no control over the obstacles that are sure to come.  You can’t stop them from coming; you can only decide what to do next after each one. 

The option will always be there to quit all together, and sometimes it will most likely be tempting to think that there is no way to keep going.  It’s up to you to decide, just remember that you can do what you want!

This is why I LOVE the phrase “Take the Wheel and Fly!”  Because when you are driving a car, you get to choose where to go, which route to take, and the speed at which you get there.  You do not get to decide what the traffic will be like, whether the other cars around you will adhere to the safety laws, or if a snowstorm/fog/hail will suddenly appear. 

As you are “taking the wheel” of your own life, you have your agency to choose what you want to do, how you want to do it, and whether you want to take your time at it or not. 

Sometimes there will be “detours” leading you to take a different path toward your original destination.  There will most likely be storms slowing you down, or causing you to “pull over” for a while until it passes.

It’s possible that you could get into an “accident” with other people –this could look like a disagreement or misunderstanding.  (Choosing love, instead of pointing fingers would be a good choice to help you move forward).

For me, realizing that I really don’t have any control is good news!  Because it highlights what I DO have –my agency!  It helps me appreciate that gift so much more, knowing how much power I have with it and that it can never be taken from me.

Knowing that I can’t control anything also grounds me and reminds me that there are powers and forces bigger than me; and I thank God for His presence and guidance in my life.

Understanding my lack of control keeps my focus where it’s most useful, and lessens frustration in general.  Because when you know you have zero control and are focused on making choice after choice, it’s more natural to be resilient when things go “wrong”.

Like in playing chess… you know you can’t control your opponent’s pieces, and when they make a move that foils your plans, although it can be disappointing, you know it’s just part of life –er, I mean “the game”, right?  You just need to get over it and start making a new plan.

And furthermore, accepting the truth of having no control prompts me to make the choice to take better care of myself so that I can remain in a mental state of being able to make the choices I WANT to make!

What about you?  Does this news mean anything to you?  Or do you feel like it’s a little too nitty-gritty?  Haha!  Do you love diving into deep corners of thought as much as I do??

Spill your thoughts on me!  I’d love to hear it all!

Tell a friend too!  I’m not so good at spreading my blog around, and would love any help I can get to share these messages with others.

Sending my love!!!

Kayleen

SDG

If you want deeper perspective on how to take the reins of your agency, read If You Take the Wheel, You Will Fly!

Also a good one for keeping your thoughts in check is 7 Things the Church Tell Us We Should Do.