Behind every fear there is nothing to be afraid of.

When I was in college, my friends and I were into “free entertainment” and being immature young adults, we often found ourselves messing around at Wal-Mart.  I’m not going to go so far as to say that it was the “cool hang out place”, but I will note that we were not the only kids who did it, haha!

I owned (and still have) the creepiest mask on earth!  It’s got white and gray scraggly hair, with a death-face to say the least.  It’s so scary that I literally have to hide it from myself.  I remember stumbling upon it in a box once and I about jumped out of my skin.  You know I don’t like scary things.  It is now kept in a bag labeled “scary mask”, to give me a warning, haha.

One time, we thought it would be funny to play a joke on some Wal-Mart shoppers.

While my friends hid and peeked around the corner, I’d put the mask on and slowly walk toward a group of people until they noticed me and ran away.  It was so funny to see their reactions -they were truly creeped out!

We were just getting the biggest kick out of this (I know… I told you we were immature), when the joke backfired on me.

As I was going toward a group of girls, they all started to flip out and run away… all but one.  This one girl showed signs of being scared, but she hesitated to run with her friends.  I kept getting closer, thinking she would eventually cave.

Before I knew it, with a horrified look on her face, she grabbed the mask and yanked it off of me!!!!!

There we were –standing face to face.  Both a little confused at what just happened.  Then I grabbed my mask and I was the one who ran away!  Humiliated and laughing my guts out with my friends, this story went down in history as one that will get passed down through generations.  Well worth the 5 second embarrassment if you ask me.

I never would have thought that it would also have so much to teach me 20 years later!

When I had the mask on, I looked SCARY!  No doubt about that.  But it was just me under there.  Little old me, full of laughs and giggles -absolutely nothing to be afraid of.  And yet, I had grown men speed walking in the opposite direction.

I would like to pose the idea that every fear we have is just a mask.

And if we were to remove the scary mask, we would find something as sweet and innocent as my 19 year old self.

For example, let’s take the fear of public speaking since it is considered the #1 fear by most people, and currently the one I’m trying to conquer, haha.

At first glance, it’s a horrifying thought to get up and speak to a room full of people.  But when you look deeper, you can remember how easy it is to speak to people one-on-one or in a small group.  So this is basically the same thing, just more people.  (I know -it’s NOT the same… just stay with me.)

If you asked yourself “what exactly am I afraid of?”, would you even have an answer?  Or is it just this unknown fog of fear?

Can you imagine if I had talked to any of those people I pranked, and asked them what they thought I was going to do?

Do you really think they thought I was dangerous?  Or was it just a general vague fear that overcame them, on which they could not place their finger before giving in to their first reaction to run?

Kind of the same way it’s hard to pinpoint what is so scary about public speaking…

I have had a few public speaking opportunities lately and as my nerves were skyrocketed, I tried to ask myself what I’m afraid of.  It came down to this:

• I’m NOT afraid of people throwing tomatoes at me.
• I’m NOT afraid of people making fun of me.
• But I AM afraid of messing up. So I asked myself why that would be bad, and found out that:
  • I’m NOT afraid of people thinking I’m dumb, because I know everyone makes mistakes, and people are nice and understanding when it happens.
  • But I AM afraid that I’ll judge myself afterwards.
    • Soooooo…….. Can I just decide not to judge myself and calm down?

I wish that it was as simple as that -and it kind of is!  But there’s a little more to it.

In John B. Arden’s book titled “Rewire Your Brain”, he teaches how essential it is to lean into your fears.  So on top of talking yourself through them, and finding out that you don’t have much to be afraid of, you actually need to go toward them (or stand strong and let them come to you, if you’re the girl in Wal-Mart).

Isn’t it common knowledge with anything that “the more you do it, the easier it gets”?

Arden explains the brain science behind this statement (complete with all the confusing vocabulary!)  I listened to the audio book, and I don’t think I ever could have made it through the hard copy.  My brain would have gotten stuck on trying to pronounce everything correctly and would have shut down when it read a few sentences in a row that it didn’t comprehend.

Listening was easier for me because after he talks in a “foreign language”, he basically sums it up in English, so I knew if I just held out, I’d catch on to what he’s saying.

So without burdening you with words like hippocampus and amygdala, I will just verify in English, that it really is true.  When you lean into your fears, your brain starts to rewire new neuropathways and eventually learns that what you once thought was scary….. no longer is.

And the opposite works to our detriment as well.  The more we give in to our fears and avoid them, we strengthen the neuropathways that tell us how safe we feel by steering clear.  This might seem fine at first, but it only deepens our fears.  Arden talks a lot about social anxieties getting worse each time you avoid a social situation.  And it reminded me that my brother-in-law once told me the same thing years ago.

I used to have a fear that “something is chasing me up the stairs”.  It started as a tween when we moved to a new house with a pitch dark basement, and it continued on until my late-20’s.  I was a full grown adult, running up the stairs so that the monster didn’t get me.  Go ahead, laugh!  My bro-in-law had taken some psychology classes and explained to me that when I run, it only confirms to my brain that there is something to be afraid of.

He told me the way to calm that fear is to make myself walk instead -without looking behind me!  Haha.  I needed to tell my brain that there was no reason to be hyper-alert or scared when going up stairs.  I cannot tell you what a fool I felt like as a 27 year old, forcing myself through this scary process.  But it paid off because I no longer have that childish neuropathway!  At least I kicked it before my 30’s!

This works for everything from public speaking to spiders!

I haven’t actually overcome my fear of spiders yet, but I can tell you that I know it’s possible!

I have been afraid of all bugs for as long as I can remember.  Yes, even butterflies, roly-poly’s, and ladybugs.  (I can see your eyebrows popping up!)

There was a time in my childhood where I leaned into that fear and let a bug crawl on me, haha.  I realized it wasn’t scary or gross at all!  And I felt so good inside, knowing that I was holding a bug!

I kept that new neuropathway for as long as I continually held bugs, which was about 2 days.

When I had let some time pass without holding any bugs, my brain forgot that it doesn’t scare me, and the next time the opportunity arose, I was back to my old self of not wanting anything to do with them.

Shortest lived victory of my life right there, haha.

I do not want to have a desire to hold a humongous spider, but I do have a desire to not go in hibbity-jibbity mode every time I see one in my house.

I also have a desire to curb my anxieties about public speaking!

What fear do you wish to overcome?

Tell me!  I will help you!  Let’s support each other!

Anything like spiders, heights, tight spaces, etc. would be nice to get used to.

And on a larger scale, conquering your fears of the unknown in terms of following the dreams of your heart is more than just “nice”…

It’s wonderful… magical… thrilling!!!

It’s FREEING!!!!

The fears that have kept you from following through with the dreams you had as a kid are just a scary mask.

Be like that girl in Wal-Mart who was scared but stood her ground.

You will never see what’s behind the mask until you’re close enough to unmask it –do the thing you’re afraid of.

It’s probably going to seem scary at first.  You can rewire your brain though!  And soon enough, you and I will only be remembering how our bones used to shake at the thought of following our dreams!

Oh how I love these conversations with you!

Let’s keep learning and growing together 😊

Kayleen

SDG

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