Do you ever feel overwhelmed by all the things you “should” be doing in the church, but aren’t?  Or maybe you are doing them all, and you feel exhausted!  What if I were to tell you that you don’t have to do any of them?  And furthermore, how would you feel if I said that you would still be a good, faithful member of the church if you tossed that never-ending list?  I know you’re intrigued now, so let’s just jump right to it!

I have always had a desire to read my scriptures daily.  But more than just a desire, I felt like I “should” read them daily.

Each New Year, when I made my resolutions, “daily scripture study” was always on the list.  It usually only lasted anywhere from a few days to a few months.  There were years, when like many others, I decided to read the entire book by Christmas, and I actually succeeded a couple times!

My life of reading scriptures has been on and off (but mostly off), and I have had a lot of guilt for not doing as good as I “should”.

I had heard many stories of people just flipping the Book of Mormon open, and the first verse they read was an answer to prayer.  I loved that, and wanted that, and tried to do that so many times, but it never worked for me.

During the phases of when I was consistently reading, I still felt like I wasn’t doing it good enough.

You see, I really liked listening to them, but felt like that “didn’t count”, and that I “should” actually read them.  So I did what they say in class –“even if you just read one verse a day!”  But when I was reading one verse a day, I would think that I “should” be reading a column or a page a day.  When I was reading one page a day, I thought that I “should” be reading for 30 minutes a day. 

And when I was reading for 30 minutes a day, I felt that I “should” be intently studying the scriptures rather than merely reading them.  When I was intently studying them, I felt like I “should” be involving my whole family, or that I “should” be waking up early to study, to start my day with it, instead of doing so at night.

It was never enough.  I felt like a failure no matter what I did.  This is when I would phase out of reading altogether, and although I felt generally guilty for not even trying, it was better than that constant guilt and shame of not doing it good enough each day.

I realized over time that I didn’t actually have a desire to read my scriptures, but I had a desire to desire.  I wanted to want to read them daily!  Because by this point, I had had several spiritual experiences while reading the Book of Mormon, and I wanted to have more.  I knew the power they had of bringing the spirit in my life.

So I made a sign and hung it next to my mirror.  It had an affirmation on it that I would repeat each day:  “I cherish and find joy in reading the scriptures“.

I don’t really remember how I came to this conclusion, but one day I realized that I actually don’t HAVE to read the scriptures.  It’s not a commandment!

Now before you get worried that I’m preaching false doctrine, just hear me out…

I decided to give the whole thing a break.  I would sit for a while with the thought “I’m not going to read the scriptures, and I’m fine with that” –no guilt, no shame!  I felt free from a long-held burden!  And here are my thoughts on the matter:

First and foremost, can you see where Satan has shown up in all this??  “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not doing it right”, “Why even read at all?”, “I feel guilty”, “I’m a failure”.  He totally knew my weakness, and did a fantastic job at keeping me feeling down.  Can you relate to that??

Next, I hold my ground in saying that you don’t have to read the scriptures!  It’s not something that you “should” do.  They are there FOR you.  They are a phenomenal tool available for you to open the door to let God in your DAILY life –should you choose to do so, daily.

They are a gift for you to invite the spirit in your life, however often you desire!  Daily, weekly, monthly, sporadically, or spontaneously!  Whatever floats your boat!

There are NO rules, NO “should’s”, and there is NO right or wrong way to bring that goodness to you!  If you are feeling guilt, shame, or even exhausted from trying to keep up, those are not joyful places to be.  God wants us to have joy!

He has given us many tools for our convenience; a smorgasbord of opportunities, if you will.  So many in fact, that I don’t think it’s plausible to do them all, all of the time.

This does not just apply to reading your scriptures.  It applies to going to the temple, doing family history work, journaling, and everything else on that exhausting “list”.

You know… the list of things that the “church” tells us we have to do….

No, no, no… I think I got that wrong… it’s the list of things we’re telling OURSELVES that we have to do!

Don’t believe me?  Find me ONE place in scripture, conference talks, or any other article published by the church, that says we have to do it all.  Because the last time I read the scriptures (which, now we all know, has been a while, haha) they tell us “do not run faster than you have strength” (D&C 10:4, Mosiah 4:27).

Yes, we have lessons in church about this and that, and all the good things, but if we view them as “inspiring invitations” rather than “shaming sessions”, we will be able to either add something beautiful to our lives, or keep what we learned in our back pocket and put it on our someday/maybe list –and feel GOOD about doing so!  Whether we ever add it or not!

Let’s review 7 things WE tell ourselves that we SHOULD do:

1.  “I Should Read the Book of Mormon, the Bible, Conference Talks, The Liahona, and whatever other literature the church puts out”.

Yes, so much to read, so little time.  I already spoke a lot on this, but I will add that I actually LOVE to read conference talks.  But how often do I read them?  Rarely.  Why?  Because of the thought “I should be reading the Book of Mormon instead”.

Can you believe that I’d feel guilty for reading conference talks?!!!  Ooooh Satan is goooood…. So I’d put the magazine down, without even picking up the BoM, which was a loss for me and a win for the devil.

So with that said, can I just say….it doesn’t matter what you’re reading!!  If it’s bringing God into your life, then you can feel good about reading (or listening/watching) it!  Do not focus on what you’re NOT doing, as Satan would have you do.  Find joy in what you ARE doing!

One day, during one of my phases of reading the Book of Mormon, I opened up my scriptures for my daily reading.  I hadn’t been reading in a certain place, I would just open up wherever I wanted, and read for a few minutes.  I don’t remember the verses I read, but I’m here to tell you that I finally (and very unexpectedly) got to experience what it’s like to randomly open up the Book of Mormon and receive an answer to prayer from the first verse I read!

I just sat and cried.  I felt so seen and loved by God.  It was so special and needed at that time.

I reflected on the fact that if I hadn’t picked up my scriptures that day, I would have missed out on such a beautiful (and helpful!) moment.

I also thought about how I’ve always thought that I “should” read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover –not just start in the middle, and heaven forbid jump around from place to place.  But if I hadn’t allowed myself to just do what I wanted –what I truly felt like doing, I wouldn’t have flipped to that verse, and therefore wouldn’t have had that experience and answer to prayer.

So if I haven’t made it clear enough yet, I’ll say it one more time:  There is no such thing as a “should” when it comes to inviting the spirit into your life.

If you are feeling like you are “doing it wrong” or “taking a shortcut” or anything else that would guilt or shame you, you can be sure that that is Satan trying to get you to quit altogether, or at least not gain as much from your efforts as you would if you felt love, peace, and joy in the process.

My sister has been diving into Come Follow Me this year more than in the past, and she is WAY “behind” on schedule because she is feasting on every little bit, and continues to study each chapter until she’s satisfied.  I’m so proud of her for not “shoulding” herself; I’m sure I would be saying “I should stay on schedule”, rather than let the spirit guide.

My mom loves reading her scriptures, and she loves the way she does it! –So much so, that she prefers not to use the Come Follow Me manual at all.  Is that wrong of her?  Since CFM is inspired, isn’t that what we “should” all be doing??  That’s a big, bold NO!

Again, it’s just another OPTION!  All the reading/listening material available to us is for our benefit!  Yes, it IS inspired, and I have heard many testimonials about CFM, and how it has blessed the lives of so many people and families.  But that doesn’t mean that you SHOULD use it.  It’s just very likely to help you, if you do.

It’s up to you what you want to use, and when/how often.  Obviously, the more often you choose to read the words of the Lord, the more you’re opening that communication door with Heavenly Father, so the more you’ll be able to see and receive his blessings and guidance.

And yes, some books are more powerful in bringing the spirit into your life *cough-the Book of Mormon-cough*, but just because you’re not choosing that every single time does not mean that you’ve made the wrong choice.

2.  “I Should Go To The Temple Once A Month”.

I used to feel like I “should” go to the temple once a month.  Why did I think that?  I don’t know, doesn’t everyone think that?  It seems to be the standard where I live.

I have always loved the peaceful, loving feeling in the temple, and have always been glad after the fact that I went.  But in all honesty, I didn’t really look forward to going.  I durst say that I dreaded it, especially with young kids at home; if I was going to get out of the house with Tyler, I would rather have gone out to dinner or something.

You could say that I had the wrong idea about the temple.  It has never been a place where I “should” go.  It has always been a place where I have the opportunity to learn, learn, learn, and connect with God!

I don’t really know what changed in me, but I no longer feel that I should go once a month.  Instead, I WANT to go……. once a WEEK!  (Or more if I could, but I’ll save that for another season of my life).

I love the temple!  I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ!  I have felt their love so strongly in the temple, and have received answers to prayers in the temple.  I love it, I love it, and want to have more of it!

If you are unable to attend because of young children, long distances, health issues, or any other reason –do not feel bad, guilty, or ashamed!  Just feel happy knowing that when you are ready to go back, you’ve got a wonderful experience waiting for you.

If you think the temple is boring, and don’t really have a desire to go very often –do not feel bad, guilty, or ashamed!  Seriously!  Like I said, I used to think it was boring (and in all honesty, there are still some parts where I get a little sleepy), it’s normal!

I would invite you to do a self-evaluation, and figure out why you don’t enjoy going…  Would it be helpful to read some books or conference talks on the endowment, so you can better understand it, and then learn more through personal revelation while you’re there?  I love Elder Bednar’s talk on prayer, and how it relates to the creation of the world.  Even since I heard it, I have loved learning more about the creation.

Whatever your situation, never tell yourself that you “should” go to the temple.  If you’re going to tell yourself anything, tell yourself the truth, here are a few of my truthful sentences to get you started:

“The temple is a beautiful place where I can go and connect with God.”

“Apparently, a lot of learning takes place in the temple.  I might be able to learn some things there someday.”

“I feel peaceful when I am at the temple, I’m thankful to have the option to go there.”

“The temple is a gift from Heavenly Father, and I love Him.”

3.  “I Should Do Family History Work”.

I think we all know someone who has caught the spirit of Elijah.  They make family history seem so fun and interesting (and it IS!)  I know for myself how addicting it can be when you get into it, I had a little phase where it’s all I could think about and would stay up wayyyyyy too late working on it because I just couldn’t stop.  That was about a decade ago, haha… so it’s been a minute since I’ve experienced that flame.

Before we start telling ourselves that we “should” do family history, may we first ask WHY is anyone doing family history?  Why is it even a thing?  I have two words for you…

Eternal relationships!

When we look at it that way, doesn’t it feel more like something you would want to do?  Perhaps you don’t have the time to get deep into it in your current season of life, but you can stick it on your “someday/maybe” list as something you really would love to do when you get the chance.

By saying “I would really love to do family history someday”, puts it in the positive box, and leaves you feeling happy and excited, keeping your true desire to do it…. Someday.

By saying “I should do family history”, puts it in the negative box, and leaves you feeling guilty and overwhelmed, depleting any loving desire you would have had.

What a beautiful work it is to unite your family ties, and bring your ancestors memories to life.

I testify that it is a fun and exciting work.  If you have not yet experienced that, it will be worth it to say “I am excited for the day when I choose to do family history!”  Whether that day is next month or in 10+ years, it will be a great day!

4.  “I Should Be An Active Ministering Sister”.

Along with this, I’ll add that we “should” also be eager to help out with the compassionate service meals  for families in the church and whatnot.  So…. yes, we “should” serve and minister to the sisters in our ward.

Have you ever been on the receiving end?  I have…

There was a time years ago when my family was receiving meals from sisters in the church, once or twice a week for several months!  I was filled with loving gratitude for each person who helped out!  I told myself that when I was in a position to do so, I would be the first one to sign up for every meal needed in the future.  I wanted to give back because I had been so greatly blessed.

Well, guess how many meals I’ve helped out with since then?  ….I think I brought a cake to a funeral, and that’s about it.  Why haven’t I done more?  Honestly, I’ve been waiting for my life to get back to “normal” whatever that means.  I thought that my life would slow back down, but it just keeps going at a fast pace.

More thoughts here about that, but I’m realizing that all these years I’ve felt semi-guilty for not volunteering for meals, when there’s no need to feel guilty at all!  Taking someone a meal is a loving gesture –something I WANT to do!  I want to consciously start making a better effort to do the things I want to do, and not let life pass me by.

My life has been enriched by the wonderful relationships that have come from visiting teaching and ministering.  When you think in terms of “a relationship”, rather than “a duty”, then the opportunity to get to know, love, and help your ministering sisters becomes a blessing for YOU.

I certainly would never like to hear that someone was internally grumbling about “having” to get to know me or be involved in my life.  That would be hard for me to hear, and I’d need to do a lot of self-love exercises to remind myself that whether or not others love me, I love myself.

Would you feel the same?

I think it’s worth taking another look at the way you view your ministering sister relationships.

If you don’t want to be a ministering sister, I invite you to ask yourself “why?”.

For me, I don’t really know “how” to do it anymore, which has left me doing nothing (and feeling guilty).

Visiting Teaching was laid out for us, and we knew exactly what we needed to do.  Ministering is like a foreign language.  But I have learned that praying for your sisters is a great place to start.  If you’re praying for them, you’re thinking about them, and the spirit can guide you from there!

But if you just don’t want to do it, then let your RS president know.  I believe that people are too treasured and priceless to be put on a “should” or “have to” list.

Whatever you choose, follow your “heart & mind” (aka the spirit) and receive the peace and love that follows.

5.  “I Should Keep A Daily Journal”.

Why is everyone telling us that we “should” keep a journal?  What’s the point of a journal?  Does my posterity really need to know that I cleaned the house and folded laundry today?  What’s the point of writing in a journal when I don’t have anything exciting to write about?  When I go on vacation, I take pictures, and we all know a picture is worth a thousand words.  So why journal?

Well… let me tell you that there is a difference between journaling and keeping a diary.  At least the way I see it is, a diary is noting what you did that day, and things happening in your life; while journaling is so broad, you can’t put it in a box.

I have always loved writing down personal spiritual experiences.  I keep a separate journal for this, and have enjoyed flipping through it over time.  In 20 years, I still haven’t even reached the half-way point of the notebook (and I know I’ve had many experiences that I haven’t written down) and that’s all ok!

It’s not about trying to write every day.  It’s about writing down what you want to keep forever –and if you haven’t gotten around to writing things down, you can always start today by writing what you can recall up to this point.  Or you can just say “welp, I guess I’m not writing that one down”, then move on.  It’s up to you, and there are no “should’s” about it.

This is only one type of journaling.

Research has shown that there are so many benefits to journaling. –better sleep, stronger immune system, more self-confidence, boost in mindfulness, memory and communication skills. 

I won’t get into that here, but when you write out your thoughts and emotions, especially during hard times, it’s like having a good cry.  You just feel better afterward.  I may write an entire post on journaling someday, but for today’s purpose, let’s just say that journaling is NOT something that “should” be nagging at you, telling you that you’re failing in yet another area.

Rather, it is an awesome tool for YOU to use if and when you need or want it.  That’s it!

So if you WANT to journal, then journal –whenever you feel like it!  Once a year is plenty if that’s all you want!

6.  “I Should Make My Church Calling(s) Top Prioirty”.

Yes, callings are important, and when we all work together, every job gets done like in a successful beehive.  Also, when we commit to do something, it’s kind and responsible to follow through and do our part.  But there are other things more important, and when those things come up, please tell those whom you serve with that you’re not going to be able to show up.

I learned this in my early 20’s.  I was the relief society president in my student ward, and I took ward council very seriously –I was meeting with the bishop after all!  This was my first leadership calling, and I didn’t really know the line between my calling and what’s more important.

My sister had her first baby (even the first grandchild!) on a Sunday morning.  I got the call, and sadly said that I couldn’t come to the hospital because I had to go to a meeting at the church.

Do you just want to smack me in the face and tell my past self to get over there??!  I wish someone would have done so.  I truly didn’t know that I could say no to my calling.

Whatever your calling, and whatever the reason…. There are other things more important that will need your attention and energy.  Including your mental health.  Remember, “do not run faster than you have strength”.  If you need to ask to be released from a demanding calling, talk to your bishop about getting one you can manage, and don’t feel ashamed.

In his talk “Love Is Spoken Here“, Elder Gong states:

“Calls to serve the Lord and each other in His Church give opportunity to increase in compassion, capacity, and humility. As we are set apart, we can receive the Lord’s inspiration to lift and strengthen others and ourselves. Of course, the changing circumstances and seasons of our lives may affect our ability to serve, but hopefully never our desire. With King Benjamin, we say, ‘If I had I would give’ and offer all we can.”

Callings are inspired, and they truly are a privilege, I just wanted to point out that it’s your choice!  As everything is!  Agency is so important to God, and if you receive a calling with the attitude of “I want to serve” rather than “I have to serve”, you will allow yourself to feel so much more joy as you serve.

7.  “I Should Read My Patriarchal Blessing More Often”.

I don’t know if this is a “should” for you, but it’s on the list because I actually felt like I “should” do it –I felt guilty when a year or more went by without me reading it.  Now… I LOVE to read it!  It’s a treat for me to get it out and review my blessings and guidance!  Even more so when an old familiar phrase pops out and brings new meaning to my life. 

Sometimes I go several months without reading it, and sometimes I read it several days in a row!  If you have received your patriarchal blessing, there is no rhyme or reason to how often you “should” read it.  It’s just however often you WANT to!  Whether it’s every 5 years, 5 months, or 5 days…. It’s yours and you can do what you want with it!

It is a personal thing for YOU, and has nothing to do with the church.

Conclusion

To sum this all up, I want to say that you CAN be a good, faithful member of the church without doing any of these things!  They are simply tools and opportunities available for you to have a little bit of heaven in your life.

Anytime you say “I should…”, what you’re actually saying is “I don’t really want to, but I believe I have to…” –Right??  And if you feel like you “have” to do something, doesn’t that take the desire out of it?

When more often than not, I’ll bet that what you really mean is “I want to make the time to…” –which reinforces it in your mind that it really is something you WANT to do.

So if, even just out of habit, you find yourself saying that you “should” do something, catch yourself and change your words!  If it’s something that you truly want to do, (let’s use the example of the temple), then say “I WANT to go to the temple more often”.

If you’re not sure whether it’s something you want to do, but you think it will bring blessings to your life, then say “I WANT the blessings/benefits that come from attending the temple regularly.”  That’s a whole lot better than saying “I should go to the temple”.

And remember, “it is not requisite that a (woman) run faster than (she) has strength”.  Do not over-work and exhaust yourself.  If you ARE doing “all the things”, and are feeling depleted, you might consider backing off of some less-essential things.  I promise that will not make you a bad or unrighteous person!  God does not want you to wear yourself out.  Just do what you can, do what you love, do what feels right and let the spirit guide you.

Do NOT ever feel shame, guilt, or that you’re not doing good enough!  Those feelings are not of the sprirt.

If you are literally not doing anything to invite the spirit in your life, may I suggest that you start with a bedtime prayer?  And if you say it while laying down in your bed, that is better than nothing –no guilt!  If that’s really all you can do, then do it and let the rest be –no guilt!

God is LOVE!  He loves you no matter what you do or don’t do, and He will meet you right where you’re at!  You are His beautiful child; I hope you know and feel that.

What would you add to this list?  What else are we telling ourselves that we “should” do?  Do you think it makes a difference on how we phrase it –“should vs want”?  Do you tend to “do everything” in the church or feel like “you can never keep up”?  Let’s talk more about this in the comments!

As always, sending my love and good wishes to you,

Kayleen

SDG

Read this post here if you would like some tips on bringing balance to your life.