It’s no secret that a happy relationship takes some thought and effort.  But sometimes we can get stuck in a rut, not knowing what to do when things are dull.  Whether you are happily married and just looking for some added excitement, or if you and your spouse are living more like roommates and want to shake things up.  If you want some help to get your flame burning brighter, you are in the right place!

Alright, I’m laying out my disclaimer right up front!

I’m not a therapist! 

This is not a substitute for therapy!

I merely cast out some bait, and I guess it worked because here you are! 

Ok, just kidding…

The truth is, I’ve got a pocket full of ideas that can help lead you to have a stronger and happier relationship with your spouse.  From fun ways to spend more quality time together, to tips and tricks to view your spouse in a more loving way.  These ideas can help you change your thoughts and give you a different perspective of the way things are.

I have been hanging on to this post for a while now, and am so excited to finally share it with you!

If you have read many of my previous posts, you ought to know by now that I have always had the perfect marriage in every way, shape, and form.  (HA!)

And because of that, I have all the answers to all things relationships!  (Double HA!!)

Ok, ok… in all seriousness, I don’t know it all but I do know some things.

• I know that everyone has their struggles.
• I know that you get out what you put in.
• I know that we can’t change other people, but we can change ourselves.
• AND I know that going through hard times can make the good times sweeter.

So with that, let’s get on with it.  I hope you can take some of these ideas and run with them, adding in your own creativity to personalize them!

1.  Put your phone DOWN when your love is AROUN’!

Ever heard of the term “techno-ference”?  Don’t let it get the best of your relationship.  There have been many times when I have refrained from talking to Tyler because he was on his phone and I didn’t want to bother him. 

Do you want your spouse to feel like they can talk to you any time?  If you’re on your phone when they walk into the room, then at least look up and say “hey”.  That will let them know that #1 – you notice them, and #2 –they can talk to you.

It’s nice to be noticed when you walk into a room, don’t ya think?

Furthermore, any time you are spending quality time together, I would suggest having a no-phones rule.  If either of you think that tending to activities on your phone is more important than setting aside some time to be fully present with each other, I will have to write a whole different post to address that.

You can add some comedy to it if you’d like! 

My sister-in-law has a thing with her husband that whenever they go on a date, the first person to look at their phone (–even to check the time!) has to do a certain predetermined job, haha!  Anything from cleaning the fridge to changing the dirty diapers!  They find humor in coming up with silly chores, and it adds fun to the evening while keeping their phones away.

2.  Spice It Up!

Date nights are fun, but if you live in a small city it can be hard to think outside the box of “dinner and a movie”.  Don’t be afraid to get your teenage-self on again, and go roller skating (hold hands as you skate around the rink!).

Any time there is a magician in town I love to take the opportunity to be wowed!  Nothing like going to a magic show to flare up the magic in your romance, haha.  Or any other live performance, whether it be a big concert or a high school play is always a win!

Tyler and I once went to an ARCDE and had loads of fun winning tickets together.  Bowling, hatchet throwing, ice skating (we have an indoor rink in town), go carts, an escape room, and batting cages are some more fun ideas.

3.  Double It!

One-on-one time is important with your spouse, but sometimes we need to shake things up with a double date!  Invite some friends to join you the next time you go out.  There is something about being around other people that can liven things up!

4.  Show Your True Feelings!

When your spouse does or says something, and you feel sad… then be sad instead of offended, annoyed, or angry.  Too often, we run from the painful feelings and go straight to anger, which is a secondary emotion.  True anger, for the sake of being angry doesn’t exist.  It comes because of fear.  Fear is actually the head honcho emotion which is also where sadness comes from too, but we won’t get into that here.  My point is that your communication skills will skyrocket if you will take the time to listen to your true feelings, name them, and respond to your spouse appropriately.  This might require being vulnerable.

5.  Put It In Writing!

When is the last time you got a love note?  Been a while?  Well, instead of twiddling your thumbs waiting and wishing to receive one, GIVE ONE!

How old is your spouse?  Make a list of that many things that you love about them!  You don’t even have to wait for their birthday, just surprise them on a random day by slipping it under their pillow.  You can do the same thing with however many years you’ve been married!

However you do it, it will surely be worthwhile to take a few minutes and jot down some lines for your lover.  I have a good feeling they would feel so happy to receive it.

6.  Scratch-Off Date Nights!

You can find scratch-off stickers online, and make your own “Adventure Challenge” of some sort.  It doesn’t have to be fancy or detailed, just put a couple options of date nights down and have your spouse scratch one off each time!

7.  Send the Kids Away, and Have a Night In!

Sometimes it’s fun to cozy up in your own space.  Whether you’re popping popcorn for a movie, playing a game, or anything else, this can remind your brain that you can be happy and have fun right where you’re at!

8.  Laugh, Laugh, Laugh!

Couples that play together, stay together.  As adults with heavy responsibilities like providing for a family or raising children, we often lose our childlike ability to play and be silly.  But you can always find that part of you again and with a willing mind, allowing yourself to let loose, you can have the time of your life with your mate.

Some goofy things to do together include:

• Have a water balloon or snowball fight!
• How about an ongoing squirt gun fight!? (Sneak up on one another throughout the week!  Get them while brushing their teeth, haha.)
• Feed each other chocolate pudding, while blindfolded!
• Engage in a whipped cream war!
• Tickle fight! (Don’t be above Elf here! Haha)
• Go jump in a pile of leaves!

Anything that you would have loved as a kid –do it with your spouse!

9.  Work Together!

This may not seem like the most romantic activity, and it’s not supposed to be!  When you’re just living life and getting through each day, one way to notice each other is to be in the same room, working toward the same task. 

Whether you’re making dinner, cleaning, folding laundry, etc., try doing it together!  Instead of discussing upcoming calendar items, chat about the funny things you saw or did recently.  Use this time to emotionally connect!

Tyler and I usually “divide and conquer”, but the times when we make dinner or fold laundry together are surprisingly connecting.

10.  Surprise!!!

Who doesn’t love a good surprise?  Birthday’s and holidays are great times to shower love, but don’t save all the goodness for those few times a year! 

What’s their favorite treat?  Buy it and place it on their pillow or in their car with a short note!  I can tell you –this is just as exciting to be the giver as the receiver.

You can even leave your name anonymous or sign it “your secret lover” just for fun! 

Once a month could make for some ongoing entertainment!  You could get creative with all the places you leave their little treasures –in the shower, next to the remote, by their toothbrush, in a kitchen cupboard, in their shoe… wherever they are bound to find it eventually!

For a big surprise, my sister once cleared the schedule, found places for her kids to go, and left a hotel key card on her husband’s desk at work, instructing him to pack a bag and meet at such and such a hotel room at whatever time.  She was waiting in the room with dinner ready when he got there!  How fun would that be?!

Or here’s another idea –order them a singing telegram!!  Hahaha, I have been hanging on to a business card to do that for Tyler for his birthday, but I keep forgetting.  So now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just surprise him this fall!  (If you live close to me and want the number too, let me know, lol.)

11.  Doorbell Ditch!

Remember back in high school, all the creative ways that people would get asked out to dances?  Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that sort of fun has to stop!  My grandma told me a story of how after she was married with kids, my grandpa had secretly slipped a note under her dinner plate one evening, asking her out on a certain day/time.  She quietly responded in the same manner the next night, accepting his request.  When the night of the date came they had still not spoken one word about it to each other.  Once the babysitter got there, my grandpa left out the back door and walked around to the front, then rang the doorbell to formally pick my grandma up.

Is that not the cutest storyyyyyy?????  The stars in my grandma’s eyes made it all the more magical.  I have thought for so long that I would LOVE it if Tyler did that for me, but unless I basically ask him to, that’s probably not going to happen.  So guess what?  I asked HIM out!

I made a candy bar poster with a message on it, as well as some clues for him to figure out the main details of the date!  Then I got my “sneaky hat” on and doorbell ditched it on our porch!  

Forgive my lack of photography skills, but here’s a picture of what it looked like.

I was so excited for this!  I think I had more fun preparing for it and sneaking around in the dark to deliver it, than Tyler had receiving it.  (And that’s saying a lot because I know deep down, he got quite the kick out of it!)  The kids also loved the surprise and got in on the fun by helping him solve the clues too!

I definitely wanted to make him “work” for something, hence the ciphers!  There are also ideas like, fill a bag of M&M’s and write on a few of them -so they have to find them and unscramble the word!  Or the same thing with a bag of shredded paper.  Writing on the back of a jigsaw puzzle is also a fun idea.

Anyway, this was so fun to make, and I got my mom and sister to doorbell ditch their husbands too.  They each poked candles in a box of Life cereal with a note saying “It would LIGHT UP my LIFE to go on a date with you”, and then they had clues on the back of the box for their husbands to figure out the details.  

Then we all went on a triple date, consisting of Zupas and hatchet throwing!  It was such a good time!

I might have to make this an annual activity!

12.  Kiss at the Crossroads!

Goodnight, good morning, hello and goodbye.  The comings and the goings!  Notice them when they walk in the house after being gone (or when you walk in after being gone).  Acknowledge them when they’re leaving (or when you’re leaving).  If you can afford 6 seconds of your time for a smooch, then you’ll each be able to reduce cortisol and boost oxytocin!

Tyler has recently learned this and has been “lingering longer”, haha.  I’ll admit we’re not perfect at this, but I can definitely say that it makes a difference.  What say you give it a try?

13.  I Could Have Danced All Night, I Could Have Danced All Night!

Gotta love “My Fair Lady”.  And gotta love the dance floor! 

In your kitchen or out in the town, grab your partner and swing ‘em roun’!

I just made that up, and it’s cheezy but I meant every word!  Haha!  I know that not every person loves to dance, and if you’re not a dancer, I still encourage you to just give it a try.  Sign up for dance classes if you don’t know any moves!

You could try looking into what your community offers, or even join a college club!  Don’t be shy around the students –of course they’re going to think of you as “the old married couple”, but you’re so much more mature and emotionally secure than them, so you’ll be the one snickering at them as they try to flirt with each other.

Just a couple years ago, Tyler and I joined the local college’s Big Band Swing Club, and they were all very kind and inviting.

But if dancing in public is not your thing, just remember what kitchens were made for! 

14.  “Will You Hold This For Me?”!

Ever have someone ask you that, and then slip their hand in yours instead of an actual object to hold?  Hehe!  Try it on your spouse!

Whenever you’re in the car, try to make it a point to hold hands at least for a little bit.  If you’re walking next to each other –down the road, in the grocery store, at the fair or flea market, etc. –grab their hand and don’t let go!  You might be surprised how this one tiny thing can make a great difference!

15.  Is There Something In Your Eye?!

Something Tyler likes to do, (and now I find myself doing it) is to catch the other persons eye and wink!  But don’t just “wink”….. REALLY wink!!!  Overdo it a little for added laughs.  This flirtatious act can simply be done at the dinner table! 

16.  Marital Bliss!

No, seriously… there’s actually a game called Marital Bliss, and it is a fun way to do nice things for each other.  It’s played all throughout the week, and you have to secretly do certain things to get points but if your spouse thinks you’re only doing it for the game, they can call you out and THEY get the points instead!

Tyler and I have loved it; we ended up doing EXTRA nice things to try to throw the other person off –because if they call you out and are wrong, then they lose points.  There are even prizes involved for the winner!  It really is fun, and makes the perfect gift too!

17.  Bike ride!

My parents have a tandem bicycle and I won’t lie –I was super scared on the back, haha!  But once I got used to it, I enjoyed sailing around the neighborhood with my hubby.  Whether on a bicycle built for one or two, bust out the pedals and go have a good time together.

18.  Nurture in Nature!

Go for a walk or hike together, whether you’re walking around your neighborhood or up in the trails.  In my opinion, being outside when the weather is just right is something that not only nourishes souls, but relationships as well.  Remember to hold hands, (wink)!

19.  See Something Good!

You know how you always find what you’re looking for?  Meaning, whatever you’re focused on is what you’re going to see more of.  If you start to look for the wonderful things your spouse does, your amazing brain will have a great time finding one after another!  Write them down for an added bonus.

Not to draw attention to the opposite, but have you ever mentally kept track of all the negative things?  If so, I’m sure you were able to come up with several each day because that’s what our brains do.  We say what we want, and our brain goes to work to find it!  Let’s look for the GOOD!

20.  Say it!

If you’re keeping track of all the pleasing things he or she does, why not let them know you noticed?  It takes little effort to say “thanks for taking out the trash” or “I appreciate that you filled the car up today”.  Instead of thinking “well they should be doing that anyway, why should I thank them?”, think of how you would feel if they thanked you for things “you should be doing anyway”.

Just like how we thank the checkout clerk for ringing up our groceries, when that’s their job and they are literally getting paid to do it –so why should we thank them?  Because we’re grateful they’re there!  And expressing gratitude lifts us as well.

So, do not be stingy with your “thank you’s”, pass as many out as you can to your spouse each day!  If you can do it 5 times a day for 5 days straight without feeling happier, then tell me and I will send you a king size candy bar of your choice because I highly doubt it won’t happen (with the one stipulation that you give genuine thanks.)

21.  You.  Your Spouse.  And God.

I’m just going to pose a bunch of questions for this one.

Do you and your spouse pray together?  Read scriptures together?  Attend the temple together?  If so, are you doing those things because “you should do them”, and end up “checking them off a list”?

Or are you fully present in the spiritual moment, and aware of your opportunity to connect with your spouse and God at the same time?

Do you think that it’s necessary to bring God into your marriage in order to be totally successful?

Just answer all those, and consider making changes according to your beliefs and desires.

22.  It’s Not Funny.

When I was first married, I made a pact with Tyler that we would never “jokingly make fun of each other” around other people.  I have always been a good target for a joke because I don’t get offended and I honestly liked the attention from friends and guys.

But I saw a different way once I was married.  I saw two people who loved each other very much and respected one another so deeply that neither one had a desire to make light of the others intelligence, work ethic, habits, etc.

I actually loved that mindset, and honestly now that I’m thinking about it, I have no idea if either Tyler or I still abide to that agreement.

15 years of marriage can bring a lot of change.  Maybe it’s time for me to revisit that idea!

23.  Whadyathink?

We’re told that “it takes two to tango”, implying that both parties in a relationship are responsible for the situation and both need to put effort in.  And while I’m sure that makes it a much smoother dance, I’m getting more and more convinced that one individual holds so much power in their thoughts, that I’m starting to think that one knowledgeable person can swing any willing partner around.

Just like when I was 16 years old and had no clue how to dance or follow a lead, my friend Nate swung, flipped, and twirled me around and I had no idea which way was up or down until the song was over.  I was willing to be present, but did not put forth any “effort”! 

So if you have a spouse who is willing to stay married, then there is SO much more that you alone can do than you probably realize, even if they “don’t change”.

I know this because of what I have been studying, as well as from personal experience.

Perhaps you’ve heard me say before that I struggled in my marriage for about a decade.  Well, guess what?  I can tell you the exact day that things changed for me.  It’s the day when (because of some new information I stumbled upon) I changed my thoughts. 

That’s it!

I changed MY thoughts, and BAM! –Happily married!  It was like an evil spell was broken, and I could finally see the truth (which had a lot to do with the fact that everything is balanced), but with a highlight of being able to see all the GOOD!

If you are generally (or sporadically) unhappy in your marriage, I feel confident in saying that it’s because of your thoughts.

Read this post to learn why your thoughts are so powerful, and how you can change them to work in your favor.

I don’t plan to write many more posts around the topic of marriage, so if that post leaves you wanting more details on how to change your thoughts (specifically when your spouse is doing some “horrible” things), I will refer you to go listen to the Jody Moore podcast.  She’s great, and has several episodes specifically on marriage. 

24.  Stay Within Your Jurisdiction!

Remember that it’s not your job to make your spouse happy.  Not just that, but it’s impossible for you to make them happy!  So do not put your thoughts and energy into trying.

Likewise, they cannot make you happy, so do not look to them for happiness.

Each of you must look within yourselves, and choose your own thoughts.

Let’s say that you ask your spouse to take out the garbage, so they take it out.  Your thoughts could be upsetting you if you’re thinking “I shouldn’t have had to ask them!”

And then if they start doing it regularly on their own, if you’re still thinking “they’re only doing it so I don’t get mad…they should want to help out more!” you’re in no better place.  Do you see how it all comes down to our thoughts?

If instead you think “they don’t have to enjoy taking out the trash, and I appreciate that they did it anyway”, then you are going to make yourself feel happy with that thought.

It’s the same with THEM… you can shower them with love notes, surprises, and gratitude galore, but that won’t make them feel happy.  The thoughts that they have about it all will determine whether they feel happy or not.  I have suggested all of those things for YOU… so that you can enhance your side of the relationship.

Try to go about all the excitement without any expectations.  Do not do things to try to get a reaction.  Do them to find joy for yourself and because you want to have a little more fun!

25.  Go Pro!

You know that I’m a fan of professional help!  If you’ve got issues to work out, it really is beneficial to have a “neutral buffer” to keep things from getting out of hand as well as to give productive advice.

I do have a little recommendation when it comes to going together or separately…

Go on your own if you feel hurt, broken, or angry about things of the PAST.  If you have a big long story to tell about everything your spouse did years ago that is still causing you grief, in my (unprofessional) opinion, that’s for you to work out separately.

When you go in together, this is the time to get a plan for the FUTURE.  How are you going to communicate going forward?  In what way will you meet each other’s needs?  Etc…

I actually made the mistake of going in to a marriage therapist together and ended up using 45 minutes of our hour just to tell him our background story (which was all of my issues of hurtful things from the past that I wanted to feel validated of), and then we only had 15 minutes to actually “get anywhere” as far as moving forward.  And for $100/hour, that was not a wise use of our time.  So just keep that in mind.  You can always ask your therapist what they think as well.

Conclusion

Ok, that’s it for today.

Thank you for joining me for all 25 sessions!  Haha.

I’ll wrap things up by saying:

When marriage is hard, it’s really really hard.  And when it’s good, it’s fantastically amazing!  Everyone is going to experience some of both.  Trust me when I say “you’re not the only one who has ever struggled!”

I hope this post lit a little fire in you to go do something special for your spouse.  And if you have other helpful or fun ideas to share, please drop a comment!  I’m all for receiving some fresh ideas!

Here’s to hopefully having more great days than not! 

May God be with you as you put forth effort to improve the thoughts that you have toward your marriage!

Kayleen

SDG

Did you know that nothing is good or bad, but is perfectly balanced?  Including the relationship you have with your spouse!  

What is it in your marriage that you keep holding out for before you can be completely happy?  Sorry to say it, but once you get that, you’re likely to find that you’ve still got problems.  Read this post to learn how to change your perspective!