“Listen, or thy tongue will make thee deaf.” –Native American Proverb.  Habit 5 is:  “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.”

Did you know there is SOOOO much more to listening than just letting the other person talk?  I’m sure that you have had experiences on both sides of a conversation where poor listening skills were used.  I sure have.

No one is perfect at genuine listening all the time, and today we’re going to bring some points to your attention in hopes of helping you make the most of each opportunity you have to listen to someone.

In order to show what genuine listening is, let’s start with what it’s not:

• Spacing out –when you’re completely caught up in your own thoughts.
• Pretend listening –when you’re coherent just enough to put in a “uh-huh”, “yeah”, or “sounds cool” every now and then.
• Selective listening –when you catch only the small bits that interest you, and make the conversation about those parts. For example, if you say to someone “I went to the dentist last week and found out that they are out of my insurance network and now I have to pay $3,000 for it!”  A selective listening response could be “Ohhh, I hate the dentist, I just got 3 cavities filled.”

• Word listening –when you only pay attention to the actual words without giving thought to the body language or emphasis. Consider how different the following sentences are:
  • I didn’t say that.
  • I didn’t say that.
  • I didn’t say that.
  • I didn’t say that.
• Self-centered listening -when you hear everything from your point of view and say things like “I know exactly how you feel”.  It also includes:
  • Judging (You know, when you don’t agree with what they’re saying so you hold reservations while you listen.)
  • Advising (When you think they’re asking for advice, but really, they just want you to hear them out.)
  • Probing (When you’re trying to get them to say things they’re not ready to say.)

Whew!  That’s a lot of unlistening tactics!  And to be honest, (insert a grimacing face) I believe that I have used every single one of them!  What about you?

It doesn’t matter if you have been the worst listener in the world, have compassion and understanding for your past self.  You can make the choice today to practice better listening; all it takes is knowledge, awareness, and care for others.

If you don’t truly care about those you’re listening to, it will be extremely hard to engage in genuine listening.

Let me tell you, I used to have a little bit of social anxiety when talking to people outside of my close family and friends.  So when I was having a conversation with someone, I would usually use half of my brain to listen to them and the other half to think of what I was going to say next when they were done talking.

Just thinking of it now gives me stress!

When I finally came to value people and relationships, I started deeply listening because I was interested in what they had to say.

I no longer felt worried about being caught with nothing to say and the conversations I had with people had a natural and genuine flow.

This made it not only easier and less stressful to have a conversation with someone I just met, but also enjoyable!  I would come away feeling uplifted, due to the deposits made in my RBA (relationship bank account).

Now what about those closest to us –the people we care about so deeply that we just want to fix all their problems the moment they open up?

I think this is where most of us can improve our listening. 

Let’s go over 3 things you can do to “seek first to understand” their feelings.

1.  Listen with your eyes, heart, and ears.

Have you heard that only 7% of communication is contained in the words we use?  If so, disregard that!  The study that the statistic came from was actually focused on “how people interpret the emotional tone of a message”, not the overall content of communication. 

Regardless, it is very important to engage in whole body listening so you can pick up on the things that aren’t being said.  

I once had a major falling out with a friend because we were having a sensitive conversation via texting!  Worst idea ever!  We were unable to pick up on the feelings of the messages being sent.  

“To hear what other people are really saying, you need to listen to what they are not saying.  No matter how “hard” people may appear on the surface, most everyone is tender inside and has a desperate need to be understood.”

This poem by Charles C. Finn (Which I condensed and edited slightly) says it all.

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask that I’m afraid to take off.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled,
I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command and that I need no one.

But don’t believe me.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, and you’ll laugh.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say
I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Each time you’re kind, gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings!

The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man, every woman, every child… every human you meet.

2.  Stand in their shoes

“Let’s pretend for a moment that everyone in the world wears tinted glasses and that no two shades are exactly alike.  You and I are standing on the banks of a river.  I am wearing green lenses and you are wearing red.  ‘Wow, look how green the water is,’ I say.”

Haha, your response might be something like “Are you crazy?!”

Instead of immediately seeing the conversation through your own point of view, seek first to understand.

Believe that everyone has reasons for saying and doing the things they do, even when it seems ABSURD.

Having just had a presidential election, I’d like to bring up the issue of politics.  There is no right or wrong view, rather different beliefs.

And when I recently tried on a pair of the “other sides” glasses, I was very surprised to find myself nodding in agreement!

No matter which “side” you’re on, whether in politics, religion, parenting, sports, etc., if you have a true desire to see the other persons point of view, you might be shocked at how much understanding you gain.

This doesn’t mean that you need to change YOUR views, it just helps you grasp where others are coming from.

Just like I didn’t change my political outlook since I had a moment in the other shoes.  But I no longer wonder “what the heck are they thinking?!”  Because I feel like I totally get it, and am in a neutral place of realizing that I’m wearing green tinted glasses, and the other party is wearing glasses tinted red.

3.  Practice mirroring

“What does a mirror do?  It doesn’t judge.  It doesn’t give advice.  It reflects.  Mirroring is simply this: Repeat back in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling.”

Be careful not to mimic.  Which is repeating back exactly what they said, similar to a parrot.

Here are some mirroring phrases:

• “As I get it, you felt that…”
• “So, as I see it…”
• “I can see that you’re feeling…”
• “You feel that…”
• “So, what you’re saying is…”

As you practice mirroring, remember to have a genuine desire to understand the other person, otherwise it could come off wrong.

Also remember that not every conversation requires such genuine listening.  This is meant for important or sensitive conversations, and not so much for casual small talk.  Sean gives the example of:

“Man, where’s the bathroom?  I gotta go real bad.”

“So what you’re saying is you’re worried you won’t find a bathroom in time.”

Ha.   No need to respond like that!

Alright!  Now what do you do after you seek to understand?

Seek to be understood!

After you understand why the other person sees the river as red, make sure you tell them why you see it as green.

Do not live in a Lose-Win, doormat sort of life.  If you don’t ever get to express your thoughts and feelings, you might end up feeling like you don’t have anyone to listen to you.  And suppressing your feelings will only lead to pent up emotions.

And as important as it is for you to listen to others, it is equally important for them to listen to you.  And it’s ok for you to think that!

My husband and I have done plenty of remodeling projects together, and there have been very few times where we initially agreed on what we want to do.

My way was always the best way (or so I thought).  But when I took the time to ask Tyler why he thought this or that, I understood where he was coming from.  And sometimes I agreed and went with his way, while other times I explained my reasonings and he sided with me.

Lastly, note that seeking to be understood includes providing feedback.  When you feel a certain way about others, remember to use “I” statements.  Because however you feel is indeed about you, not them.

Ex.  “I feel angry when…” (instead of “you make me mad”)

Who knew there was so much to listening?!  Haha.  Let’s just baby step our way to becoming better and better at it.

Baby Steps:

• Try to make eye contact around 60% of the time -too much is actually to much!  (If you’re wondering, it’s actually recommended to use it 50% while talking, and 70% while listening.)
• Ask yourself “Which of the 5 poor listening styles do I have the biggest problem with?” (Spacing Out, Pretend Listening, Selective Listening, Word Listening, or Self-Centered Listening –judging/advising/probing).  Now, try to go one day without doing it.
• If you’re a talker, take a break and spend your day listening. Only talk when you have to.
• The next time you find yourself wanting to bury your feelings inside you, don’t do it. Instead, express them in a responsible way.

There you have it!

Best of luck baby stepping!

Kayleen

SDG

Speaking of communicating, find out how you can respond when others “ask for attention“.

Is there ever a time when it’s ok to judge others?  Find out here!