Comforting loved ones is a tricky subject.  I know we all want to help, but what can we say to someone who is hurting, without sounding insensitive?  And what can we do that is actually helpful?  This post will explain all that and more.

SITUATION:  Someone you love is crying, worried, saddened, heartbroken or frustrated over something. 

QUESTION:  What do you do?

On the most light-hearted level, imagine a child coming to you, crying because their “toy broke”.  When in fact you can see that it’s not actually broken, a part just came off and can easily be put back together.

What do you say or do?

My response with my children has always been to quickly tell them that it’s ok because I can fix it!  Then I take the toy and work my mommy magic, and it’s restored before they’re even done crying!  I feel really good inside, thinking that I have spared my child any undue sorrow, as I hand it back and say “all better!”

My intentions were the best.  I love each of my children dearly.  I want them to be happy.  I feel sad when I see them unhappy because I love them so much. 

But rushing in and fixing problems is not always the answer.  And since we are still on a light hearted note, I feel it’s appropriate to show this short video illustrating that.

I did not realize during all those times of rushing in to fix my children’s problems that I was lacking empathy in their moment of sadness.

Now taking this to a deeper level, if we look at our greatest example of all time, Jesus Christ (in the story of Mary and Lazarus), and see what He did in a situation where someone who He loved was sad because her brother had died.  Christ knew that He could “fix it”, and that there was no need for her to be sad anymore.  But what did He do?

Jesus wept.

He KNEW that things were going to change – He KNEW that He was going to raise her brother from the dead.  But instead of jumping in and telling her not to cry, He saw the situation for what it was in her moment, and He wept with her.

He shed tears of sorrow with Mary in her heartache because He loved her.  This is the most magnificent example of empathy because it truly shows that it doesn’t matter what happy ending the future holds right around the corner; He was genuinely in the moment with her and feeling her grief right along with her. 

Jesus had true empathy, by having “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”; as opposed to sympathy, which would be having “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune”.

I think so often we don’t understand the difference between sympathy and empathy.  I have honestly confused them and thought of them as basically the same thing.  The biggest difference in how we understand them is how we respond to a loved one who is hurting.

When I jumped to fix my kids toy, I could understand why they were sad, but I took no thought to put myself in their shoes and feel some of that sadness over their favorite toy being broken.  I don’t like to feel sad, and I lovingly thought that the best thing for me to do is to cheer them up by quickly fixing it.

I believe that we as human beings don’t want to see our loved ones suffer, so we intensely want to help them feel peace or happiness during their trials.

Especially when a dear friend loses a family member, we know their pain is unimaginable, and it is common for us to say “comforting words” like “you will see them again” or “they’re in a better place”…

I do not know the excruciating pain of losing someone close to me who passed prematurely.  But I do have an experience that taught me that merely “knowing that I would see someone again” does not dismiss the sadness of “currently being apart from them”.

When my big brother left on his mission to Chile, I was 14 years old.  We dropped him off at the MTC, and I came home and cried and cried!  (Who knew I would miss him so much, but I DID.)  If anyone were to try to comfort me in that moment by saying “you’ll see him again”, it would not have helped one bit.

Of course I knew I’d see him in 2 years!  That was beside the point!

I would have said, “yeah, OBVIOUSLY, but I miss him NOW!”

I felt a sad loss in my heart and needed a couple hours to grieve, and then I was just fine for the remaining 2 years until I saw him again.

Clearly, that is no comparison to the heartache of death, rather just an illustration of the fact that “knowing that you’ll see someone again does not dismiss the pain of missing them now”.

The point here is, the time for comforting words of “better days ahead” may not actually be helpful in the initial mourning stages –whether we’re talking about grieving over a death, or worried over a sudden (or potential) layover.

What would it look like if we had actual, real, true empathy for those around us?

This is more than “validating” their feelings in order to “properly acknowledge them” before moving on to fix the problem or offer help.  This is just weeping with them (literally or figuratively), while offering no solutions or hope.

If you are at a loss of words, here are some examples of empathetic responses:

“That sounds so hard.”

“I am so sorry this happened.”

“I would be upset too.”

“That hurts.”

“I can’t imagine your pain.”

I wonder if Jesus cries with us… Even when He knows that we will be just fine soon enough, I wonder if He sees our pain, and actually feels it with us since He literally felt it before.  Does He genuinely join us in our moments of grief and pain?

True empathy is one of the most selfless things you can do.  When you are not thinking of yourself, and how badly YOU want your loved one to be happy, but instead are thinking only of THEM and joining them in how THEY must be feeling… that is selfless.

I know that it’s sad to see people cry, but trying to dry someone’s tears before they’re all cried out is not necessarily helpful and can lead to problematic pent up emotions.

Yes, there will be better days ahead for those you love, but you don’t have to tell them that before they’re ready to hear it.

Let them cry, cry, cry on your shoulder and feel it with them.  If this is hard for you, just imagine to yourself that they are “watering the flower seeds” with their tears –the blossoms that will eventually come in the future because of the very sadness they are feeling.

It’s true that the most joyful, fulfilling moments of my life have come BECAUSE of the most difficult thing I ever went through.  

Having a reason to fear for the life of my child opened my eyes to how fragile LIFE is; and the moments I’ve had with my family since that trauma have been sweeter than I ever could have imagined. 

Being filled with immense gratitude for our opportunity to have just a normal day together has been the sweet lemonade after a sour experience.

When we have empathy for our loved ones, we allow them the space to process and heal in the time frame that’s best for them.  Of course there may be times when it’s appropriate to offer hope or solutions before they actually ask, and you will just need to use your best judgement for how to handle those situations.

Putting yourself in their shoes first will help you make a wise decision.

Another resource I would highly recommend is the “emotional resilience” self-reliance class that is offered by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints.  I participated in that class a couple years ago and I learned more about helping others through hard times than I would have thought.

Since so many people are hasty to comfort and console, you could be the very blessing that someone needs to support them during difficult times by having empathy.

There are compassionate ways to offer help without trying to “fix” anything.

Providing dinner, taking care of kids, showing up with groceries, bringing a favorite treat, doing their dishes, or anything else to “take a load off” are all wonderful ways to help ease their burdens and let them know you love them.

When my son was diagnosed with leukemia, we had appointments every 7-10 days for a few months and had a 2 hour trip each way to the hospital.  I had a friend offer to arrange childcare for my other children (pick them up after school and keep them until we returned home).  She offered it before I realized I even needed it, and I told her it wasn’t necessary at first because I felt guilty accepting that much help.

But I was crying on my kitchen floor a few days later when I texted her back, begging for her help after all.  Of all the kindness and generosity we were shown by SOOOOOO many people, that was the number one source of help that I truly could not have done without; even though she didn’t seem to think it was a huge deal.

What I’m saying is that you never know how helpful you can be with even the slightest act of service.  A kind gesture can go a lot further than “well-meaning sympathetic words” that end up falling flat.

You can be a blessing in the life of many.

I sure love having you here, and hope you are enjoying yourself as well.  If you have any topics you’d like me to write about, shoot me an email or drop a comment.

I am here for you, and want to serve you the best I can.

Always hoping the best for you,

Kayleen

SDG

Do you ever worry about things?  Did you know that you have the power to dismiss fear at any given time?

If you are feeling alone and unnoticed, please know that God sees you and loves you always.