Habit 4 is:  Think Win-Win.  Have you ever thought of life as an all-you-can-eat buffet?  There is plenty for everyone!  When you are genuinely happy for others’ successes, as well as your own, you are winning in life.  The question is, how do you do it?

We have reached the “Public Victory” section of the 7 Habits Series, which deals with relationships.  Up to this point, we have covered the basis of your Private Victory, meaning the habits that have to do with you and only you.  I hope you have seen enhancements in the way you feel about yourself!

It is truly necessary to win the private victory before you put all your focus toward improving your relationships.  Afterall, the start of a good relationship begins with you.

As Sean puts it:

“It all begins with you.  If you are extremely insecure and haven’t paid the price to win the private victory, it will be difficult to think Win-Win.  You’ll be threatened by other people.  It’ll be hard to be happy for their successes.  It will be difficult to share recognition or praise.  Insecure people get jealous very easily.”

That said, you can definitely start to make baby steps toward a Win-Win mindset before you have mastered yourself.  In my opinion, the private victory is somewhat of an ongoing process.  You will never be perfect, so don’t wait for self-perfection before you begin the Public Victory journey.

So what is Win-Win in a relationship?  Let’s start with what it’s not:

• Win-Lose: When you want to be better than others, come out on top, and be superior than them.  You’re climbing the totem pole.
• Lose-Win: When you want to please other people at your own expense.  You will be happy to lose, as long as they win.  You’re a doormat.
• Lose-Lose: When you are fine with losing, as long as you can bring others down with you.  Misery loves company.

Now for Win-Win:  You want to succeed, and you want others around you to succeed as well.

You are happy to compliment someone on their beautiful hair, clothes, home, car, and everything wonderful in their life -even and especially if you don’t have those things yourself.  You are genuinely excited for someone who got an opportunity of a lifetime –one that you would have loved.

When you have always wanted to build your dream home, and your friend announces that she just bought the land to build hers, your heart leaps for her and you give her a big excited hug!  This inspires you to keep your dream, and you know that someday you will have yours too.  (True story!)

It is very common to become envious of other people when they seem like they’re “living the life” or that “they’ve got it all”.  So how do you take those jealous thoughts in your mind and twist them into truly thinking Win-Win?

First, win your private battle!  Habits 1, 2, and 3!

Also… Steer clear from the “tumor twins” a.k.a. “competing and comparing”.

“Competition is healthy when you compete against yourself, or when it challenges you to reach and stretch and become your best.  Competition becomes dark when you tie your self-worth into winning or when you use it as a way to place yourself above another.”

Let me ask you… If a family member informed you that they were going to do something that impressed you, would you feel insecure about your lack of doing it, and make a smirky comment to make yourself feel better?

Or say your friend told you that their child excelled in a certain way, would you have the urge to say something great about your own child, to put them/yourself back up on top?

Other people are going to shine.  Period.  Do not hurt yourself by competing with them or comparing yourself to them.  Even though you might be able to plainly see many of their blessings in life, you do not know the depths of their trials and hardships.

We have each been given our own obstacle course to complete in life, and when you are at your hardest point, someone else might be at their resting place.  It just doesn’t make sense to try to compare one life with another.

As Paul H. Dunn said:

“I have noticed that daily we meet moments that steal our self-esteem.  They are inevitable.  Pick up any magazine (or hop on social media); you see people who look healthier, skinnier, or better dressed than you are.  Look around.  There is always someone who seems smarter, another more self-assured, still another more talented.  In fact, each day we are reminded that we lack certain talents, that we make mistakes, that we do not excel in all things.  And amidst all this, it is easy to believe that we do not quite measure up in the great scheme of things, but are inferior in some secret way.

If you base your self-esteem, your feeling of self-worth, on anything outside the quality of your heart, your mind, or your soul, you have based it on a very shaky footing.  So you and I are not perfect in form or physical figure.  So you and I are not the richest, the wisest, the wittiest.  So what?”

AMEN Brotha!! 

So WHAT?!

What does it matter?  It doesn’t. 

Instead of spending your time thinking about others’ successes, try thinking of your own.  What do you like about your life?

Can you be ok with having a quieter personality, while you see others prance around the party as the center of attention?  I used to feel that my being shy was inferior to others who were outgoing, but I have really come to love my ability to listen and observe.  (And interestingly enough, once I began to embrace being shy is when I started to feel less shy, haha.)

No matter the situation, it will always help to zero in on YOUR positive attributes, blessings, skills, talents, knowledge, etc., and steer clear from comparing who you are and what you have to other people.

Let’s make note that you’re most likely thinking Win-Win at least some of the time, and instead of trying to immediately think Win-Win 100% of the time, just take it up one notch at a time!

We are not here to try to become perfect overnight, so just take a few of these baby steps to get the ball rolling.

Baby Steps:

• Pinpoint the area of your life where you most struggle with comparisons. Perhaps it’s with clothes, physical features, friends, money, or talents.
• If someone owes you money, don’t be afraid to mention it in a friendly way. “Did you forget about that hundred bucks I loaned you last week?  I could use it right now.”  Think Win-Win, not Lose-Win.
• Without caring whether you win or lose, play a card or board game with others just for the fun of it.
• The next time someone close to you succeeds, be genuinely happy for them instead of feeling threatened.
• Think about your general attitude toward life. Is it based on Win-Lose, Lose-Win, Lose-Lose, or Win-Win thinking?  How is that attitude affecting you?
• Think of a person who you feel is a model of Win-Win. What is it about this person you admire?

Ready, Get Set, GO!

Thank you for being here!  I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart!

Kayleen

SDG

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