I’ll tell you right off the bat that I don’t think you should be a better listener.  Not that I think it’s a bad thing to do so, I just don’t think you should.  I think there’s a BETTER option, and I’m going to walk you through 3 ways to upgrade your listening skills –if you WANT to!

When I was about 4 years old, my mom was the “Merry Miss” leader in our ward!  Which meant she planned activities for the 8-11 year old girls.  (Over the years, the name changed to “Achievement Days” and then to “Activity Days”.)

Anyhow, she had all the girls over at our house one night to play Monopoly!  I specifically remember their squeals as they commented on the “cute little car” or the “adorable tiny iron” game pieces.

Their excitement had me following them when they all ran upstairs to get a drink!  And the squeals continued with they found “the cutest little cups” in our cupboard.

Imagine a tumbler cup the size of a custard dish.  Tupperware sold them in all the colors, and they had plastic lids to go with them.  Us kids were not supposed to use them because those are what my dad used to pack his lunches for work.  (I have no idea if that was an actual rule, but I’m 100% sure that’s what I believed at the time.)

So as the “cool big girls” were ohhhing over how cute they were, and which color they wanted, I tugged on one girl’s shirt and I explicitly told her “you can’t use those cups because my daddy needs to use them for his lunches”.

And do you know what she said to me?

Can you take one guess?

Her eyes glazed over and her voice went up and down as she said “ooooohhh”.  Then proceeded to use the cups.

I stood there dumbfounded.  I was appalled that she would completely dismiss what I said.  I had never witnessed such outright rebellion in my whole 4 years of life!

Fast forward about 10 years later, and I found myself talking to my little cousin.  I don’t remember what she said, but I remember my response… you know… the way we reply to toddlers when they’re chatting away and we have no idea what they’re saying… our voice fluctuates up and down as we say “ooooohhh”.

And for some reason it hit me!  My brain spun back to my childhood, and I heard that girl using my own words against me… “ooooohhh”.

She did not understand me!!!!

She wasn’t actually protesting against me!  She simply had no idea what I said and tried to appease me with some fake understanding.  You could say she brushed me off because she was more interested in what she was doing than to take the time to try to understand me.

I hold no grudge against her, haha.

How often do you do this same thing?  Not necessarily to kids or toddlers (which maybe you’ll think twice about making sure you understand them now, haha), but to other adults?

Are you so focused on yourself -your own problems, worries, or plans, that you tend to “brush other people off”?

I’ve definitely done this!  (To toddlers and peers!)

Many years ago, I had a friend confide in me that she was worried about her parents’ marriage.  I was immature at the time (heck, I’m still immature, ha!), plus my “everything is perfect bubble” had not yet popped.

I literally waved the thought away with my hand as I lightheartedly said “nahhhhh….. everything is going to be fine”, and then changed the subject.

I’m so ashamed of my past self (though I have understanding and forgiveness for her).

I think back to my dear friend and wish that I had been there for her.  I told myself that if I ever have another chance to help a friend in need, I will listen with my whole soul and try to genuinely understand them and see where they are coming from.

And yet, I still wonder how many opportunities I miss.

Not every chance to listen comes so loud and clear.

So I’ve thought up 3 things you can do that will truly help you hear and understand someone as you’re listening to them:

1 . Actually listen -without planning what you’re going to say next.

Have you ever done the opposite of this?  I HAVE!  And it stinks!

Being so caught up in wanting to have a turn to talk to the point where you’re only thinking of what you’re going to say, is not an enjoyable conversation.

I have had my fair share of listening to someone with my jaw tensed and ready to rattle off a story the instant the other person paused for a second.  And maybe that was fun for me to tell my story -but was the whole conversation as pleasant as it could have been?  I don’t know… lately, I’ve come to quite enjoy the peaceful listening side of things.

Of course, when I listen to other people’s stories, experiences, and thoughts, they can remind me of my own.  But that doesn’t mean I have to share them.

Often times I do get to share them because I chat with many people who “share the mic” so to speak.

But when I’m with some heavy-talkers, I have learned how relaxing and entertaining it is to just sit back and listen!  Try it sometime, you’ll see what I mean.  To get the full effect, you really have to let go of “wanting to tell your stories too”.  This was hard for me to do at first, but it eventually came, so keep at it, and know that you’ll have other opportunities to share.

I must also address the possible situation of stress that comes when both you and the other person don’t have a lot to say, but you feel like you have to keep the conversation going.

I used to dread getting ditched by my husband at social gatherings because I am not a strong talker (meaning, I don’t do well talking to a brick wall).  So when I ended up face to face with someone who I didn’t have much in common with, when they were speaking, I found myself desperately thinking up what I could say next after they got done talking to avoid that pause where we both bob our heads and look around the room.

I was so afraid of having to stand in some awkward silence that I threw away any chance I had of connecting with someone.  It felt like a selfish conversation.  Like I was so absorbed in my own comforts that I wasn’t truly invested in the time I was spending with someone.

Have you ever done the same?

The way I overcame that was by learning to do the next 2 steps:

2.  View conversations as an opportunity to learn about someone. 

I was a teenager when I realized that everyone else driving down the road has their own personal life and they don’t even know or care about me, the same way I didn’t know or care about them…

I guess you could say it was the moment I realized there’s a bigger world out there than just my own.

Try to take that same concept into a conversation with those you talk to -they have their own whole life story (same as you) that you could get a peek into if you’d take the time.

Wow.  Just wow.

Think of the perspectives you could gain, the insight to be had, and the fascination that comes from opening up a whole new world of stories.

Many times I have been absorbed into listening, all because I chose to see the unique value of the person talking to me.

I have become so curious of other people.  Where and how did they grow up?  What brought them to my neck of the woods?  What were things like where they used to live?  What do they like to do?  What do they like to learn?  What makes them tick? 

All that and more!

My experience of meeting new people went from “feeling anxious” to “feeling excited”.  And I have deepened friendships through a pure desire to know more about my friends.

I’m not saying that I never talk anymore or share my own stories in a conversation.  I still do plenty of that.

I just do more true listening than I used to and especially when I meet someone new, I’m no longer worried about what I’ll say next, or concerned about keeping the conversation going.  Instead, I know that if I LISTEN, I will have a natural response -whether it’s a comment, exclamation, or question. 

I also find myself using “my turn to talk” as an opportunity to dig deeper into what they’re telling me.  Which leads me to my next point:

3.  Ask genuine questions.

Let yourself be interested and curious about everything they have to say.  They’re most likely going to leave out a lot of details, and it’s your job to ask them to tell you more!

My dad was telling me of some miracles that he witnessed in his youth, and I just HAD to have more details.  I didn’t need them for the story to make sense, but I wanted them because I was so fascinated!

To get a conversation going, you can start by asking some of the questions I mentioned above, but don’t think of them as a checklist.  You’re not just asking questions to keep them talking; you’re asking more and more questions because you cannot get enough of them.

It’s like picking a chicken.  If you just get all the big parts and call it good, you’re missing out on sooooooo much more!  So the next time you have a chance to sit and talk with someone, pick them clean of all they have to say, and suck the marrow from the bones of the conversation!

That was a strange simile, but now you’re more likely to remember it, haha.

But speaking of chicken… here’s a little nugget to chew on…

Asking questions, and letting others tell you their thoughts is a sure way to keep the conversation going.  If you use this trick to avoid “awkward silence” that’s great.  But if you use it for your own benefit to learn, that sounds more fun to me!

I promise you, everyone has hidden gems inside of them.  You can find them if you dig deep enough, or should I say –if you’re interested enough!

When you allow yourself to be intrigued with others, you will be able to hear so much more.

This includes listening to what they’re NOT saying, and asking questions so they can fill in the blanks.  How many people are going through hard times and feel like they can’t tell anyone?

Probably a lot.

How many of them somewhat hint at it (even in a joking way) hoping that someone will catch on and ask them to expound?

Not sure…

But perhaps you could be a real blessing to someone by being a genuine listener and asking them more of what they’re alluding to.  Just a thought.

I was at the store last night with my husband (who is a very chatty-small-talk kind of guy), and he was trying to shoot the bull with the teenage cashier.

The cashier wasn’t super chatty back, but he was responding politely. 

Tyler asked if his shift was almost done (and was told there’s 45 minutes left).

He asked if he had been there for a full 8 hours (and was told no).

So Tyler pressed and asked if they do 6 hour shifts (and was told that they normally have 8 hour shifts, but that he had to leave and come back in the middle of his shift).

I was feeling bad for the poor kid getting interrogated and would have left it at that, but Tyler asked why he left (and was told that he had to go the Instacare).

By now you should know that yes, Tyler inquired for more details!  And we ended up having a little heartfelt conversation with a complete stranger who told us of some medical issues he’s having and not really able to find answers yet.

It was apparent that he was worried, and I couldn’t help but think it must feel good for him to be able to talk about it.  Thank you Tyler for listening to what he was not saying.

Conclusion:

Since you clicked on this post and read this far, I would guess that you’re at least interested in becoming a better listener, and I offer you all of these ideas as some options to try.

I also invite you to ask yourself if you think you SHOULD be a better listener, or if you simply just WANT to have more meaningful relationships in your life.

Because I absolutely don’t think that you should be a better listener.  That is too much of a “task”, and turns listening into a job and people into a hassle.

If I have tried to make one thing clear, it’s that YOU will be the one to benefit when you enhance your relationships through taking the time to hear others’ stories and ideas.

YOUR heart will expand when you realize how much you cherish people.

This is all for YOU to take the wheel and discover all the treasures right at your fingertips.

Will you pick the chicken clean and boil the bones, or merely grab the easy parts and toss the rest?

Tell me about a time when you were thankful that someone took interest in what you were saying.  I love all your comments!

I love you, keep growing…

Empowering you to embrace your agency and liberate yourself through conscious choice!

Do you have a loved one who is struggling with something?  Read this post for help on how to support them.

Are you looking for tools to help support yourself?  Read this post for some guidance on where to start.