I used to think that having faith meant asking for something righteous and believing that I would receive it.  Safety, for example.  If I prayed for my families safety, (which is most definitely a righteous desire, right?)  I would believe, or “have faith”, that we would indeed be protected.  However, I found this not to be effective.

It all happened while my husband was out of town on a business trip.  I had been working myself up the previous couple days, making sure to lock every single window and door anytime I stepped out of the house –once even when I was just getting the mail!  (And no, we did not have a PO box, I’m talking about getting the mail from my own front yard!)  I was ridiculously paranoid, to say the least, letting my fears build and consume me.

After returning home with my kids from a 10-minute walk around the block of our very safe neighborhood, to my horror, I realized I forgot to lock the door before we left!!  Not the front door… No, I always made sure to lock that.  The door that I forgot to lock was ridiculously the back door!  But it made no difference.

Immediately, I began scouring the house, searching every nook and cranny where I was certain to find a “bad guy” whose plan was to hide all day, and come out to attack us when we were all asleep.  Wow.  Really Kayleen?  I feel so foolish admitting my deepest (and most insane) fears at the time.  But as absurd as all that sounds, it just goes to show how powerful fear can be if you choose to feed it.  Number one lesson learned from this portion of the story –NEVER feed your fears!!

Fears are illusions.

Anyway, so night time came, the kids were asleep, and I was laying in my bed, worried sick.  I was worked up like never before, so sure that someone was going to break into our house that night while we slept, and…….. (I never could put words to it, but I imagined the worst possible scenarios).

I was laying there forming a plan in my mind:  The second I heard any noises, I would run and grab my baby out of his crib, then rush to the next bedroom where my 2 other children slept, and then…….?  Lock the door?  Jump out the 2 story window?  At this point, I was sobbing, and could not for the life of me settle down to sleep.

I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more.  Each time asking –no, begging Heavenly Father to please protect us through the night!  This was our last night alone, so I just had to get through it then, all would be well.

After each prayer, I would “practice my faith” by thinking, “I know God has the power to protect us”, “I know He can literally do ANYTHING”, “I have NO doubt in His abilities and power!”

I had all of these sure and faithful thoughts flowing through my mind, but yet, for some reason I was not comforted by them.  So, I’d pray again!  And then I would think those faithful thoughts harder and stronger, but to no avail.  After who knows how long of crying, praying, trying to have faith; crying, praying, trying to have faith, the most beautiful thing happened.

Because of the love that our Heavenly Father has for his children, and His desire to teach us, and help us, He gave me a thought.  I honestly don’t remember exactly what that thought said, but it came with a stillness that I was able to think only on it for a moment and concentrate without the fear taking over my mind.  It was a thought that helped me see that I was “exercising faith” in the wrong thing!

What?  I didn’t know that was possible!  But I was “having faith” that I would get what I wanted, as opposed to simply having faith in Jesus Christ.  I shifted my thoughts and said another prayer, this time asking that no matter what happens, to please comfort me and/or my family members.

I said a very detailed, true and heartfelt prayer, having faith in Jesus Christ.  I knew of His true love for me, and simply asked that He help us through anything that should come upon us.  With this new request, and my mind focused on Christ, I felt joyfully peaceful!  I was so happy to truly feel enough peace to know I would be able to rest well.

But fear does not give up that easily; I bopped back and forth a few times between those previous fearful thoughts and Jesus Christ.  It was actually pretty amazing to see how fear and faith could not exist inside me at the same time!

To switch back and forth so quickly from one extreme to another solidified it in my mind that any time a fear of any sort arose in me, all I had to do was think of Jesus Christ, know that He would make everything ok, and every bit of fear would dissipate.

This experience, although learned via an irrational fear, has helped me numerous times since then.  From little worries, to bigger fears, having faith in Jesus Christ, and focusing on Him has helped sooth them all away.

I’m so thankful for this lesson and the practice I was able to have trusting Him, because about 3 years later, it got me through one of the most unexpected, traumatic experiences of my life.

My 3 year old son had been sick with a fever for five days, which seemed normal enough to me and my husband.  He didn’t seem to have any other symptoms, which, long story short, led us to believe that he had an ear infection.

My favorite remedy for an ear infection, which I have witnessed to work wonderfully in the past, is to soak a clove of garlic in a couple tablespoons of olive oil for at least 20 minutes.  Then using an eyedropper, put a couple drops in the infected ear and plug it with a cotton ball.  Repeat every 4 hours for the next 5-7 days, (keep the mixture in the fridge).

However, in this situation, it didn’t feel right to take that route.  It does take a bit longer to heal, and I suppose we reasoned that since he’d already been sick for so long, it might be better to take him to the doctor for some anti-biotics, and we just planned to offset them with some good probiotics.

Upon meeting with the doctor, we were surprised to find out that in fact, he did not have an ear infection after all!  “Great!” I thought, “We’ll just go home and this fever will soon ware off.  No big deal.”  But the doctor had a different feeling.

He sent us down for an ultrasound of his appendix (because my son had some random tummy pains).  The ultrasound tech wasn’t able to get a clear picture of his appendix though, so back up to the doctor’s office we went, where we were then sent back down for some blood work.

All this up and down, and waiting, and discussing things, and I’m still thinking, “This is getting out of hand, he’s fine.  He just has a fever!”  I recall the doctor mentioning the possibility of admitting him so they could watch him over night.  I laughed inside, and thought, “There is no way we’re doing that!  Good grief, it’s just a fever!”

When the results came back from the blood test, we were gently told to take him down to the ER, where they would start a blood transfusion while we wait for an ambulance to come and transport him to Primary Children’s Hospital.

He said it was possible leukemia. 

–Jaw –Dropped.  “W–what?  B–but he just has a fever….. he’s……..–What?!?!”

Shock and denial can take you a long way sometimes, and they carried me all the way to the ER as I informed family members.  We got down there and checked in.  My sister came with her husband, and we were just talking, and asking questions and such.  I was holding up just fine until I had to leave the room for an x-ray.

Walking out the door, and seeing my baby there, almost lifeless (as he had already been super lethargic the past few days, but was now looking more drained and pale than ever.)  Not knowing what leukemia meant as far as prognosis, having no clue what would happen in the future, I walked out of the room and fell into my sister’s arms as I broke into tears and sobbed “everything is going to be ok!”

And I meant it.  Even in the moment of not knowing whether he would live or die (and obviously not wanting the latter), I knew, through my past experiences that Christ lives and –will not– leave me comfortless, so therefore, everything will be alright –no matter what happened.

Even if the worst possible thing could happen, you can be assured that you (and/or your loved ones) will be ok.  Now, just what exactly does “ok” mean?  It does not mean that it won’t be hard or you won’t be sad.  But it does mean that you will never be alone, and you will be taken care of.  God will not leave you comfortless (John 14:18), especially in times of fear.

“Look to God, and LIVE!”

What a wonderful opportunity it is to experience life!  We don’t always get to choose what happens, but it is a waste of time and mental health to sit around and worry about anything.

Looking to God and trusting Him is, in my experience, the only road to peace.  Without Him, my fears are too strong, and would eat me up alive.  I do not know any other way.

Fear does not come from God.  2 Timothy 1:7 says:

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”.

Now those are some qualities that have a good ring to ‘em!

The next time you have an opportunity to practice this, may I leave one little quote for your back pocket…

“Men are not afraid of things, but of how they view them” –Epictetus

It really is just a perspective, and Christ will always give you a peaceful view.

I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on the matter, if you feel so inclined, please leave a comment so others can benefit as well!

Sending my love,

Kayleen

SDG