When you hear the term “self-love”, do you think of narcissism or rather something sweet and beautiful?  Obviously, it can go either way, but let me clarify that I am referring to the latter.  And I will explain why it’s impossible to love anymore more than you love yourself, as well as why no one can love you more than you love yourself.

We’re just going to jump right in here.

You must absolutely first understand and wrap your head around how everyone is a mirror to you.

This means that as far as your thoughts are concerned, everything is actually about YOU.  In other words, all the thoughts that you have are a reflection of yourself. 

To understand this, let me give you a few examples:

 A-  Let’s say that you were taught that it is rude and inconsiderate to be late. And whenever you go places, you make it a strong point to be at least ten minutes early.  Now, you’re at a meeting and someone shows up 5 minutes late.  If you feel annoyed at them, that annoyance comes from the viewpoint that YOU would be annoyed at YOURSELF if you were late.  If you don’t mind that they were late, it’s because YOU would still be ok with YOURSELF if you were late.

B-  Next, pretend you are like me and you get a side ache when you just think about running. Now you see someone out for a run, going past your house.  If you are impressed with them, it’s because YOU would be impressed with YOURSELF if you were able to do that.  If you have negative or jealous thoughts toward them, it’s because you have a negative thought about YOURSELF when it comes to running.

C-  Now say you see someone trip and fall. If you feel embarrassed for them, it’s because YOU would feel embarrassed if it happened to YOU.  If you laugh and make fun of them, it might be because YOU have some insecurities about needing to feel superior or “higher” than others, and you like it when you feel like others are “below” you.  And if you don’t think much of it, it’s because YOU wouldn’t mind if it happened to you.

D-  When you walk into a restaurant, you are scanning the area with all your senses. You may or may not like the way it smells.  You might think it’s too loud or deathly quiet.  You’ll subconsciously notice several things, and they all have to do with YOU.  You have your own opinion, based on your thoughts.  Others have their opinions based on their thoughts.  Everything that you observe goes through your personal filter of opinions and therefore turns into a reflection of yourself.

E-  Last one, think of someone who you absolutely adore. What is it about them that you love so much?  Whatever that quality is, it is something that you either love or could potentially love about yourself.  If you love how patient your friend is, it’s because you love how patient you are, OR you really want to be patient so you can appreciate the quality in someone else.  If you don’t notice the fact that someone is patient, it’s because patience is not something you care about (whether you are patient or not).

The things that you either like or don’t like about yourself have the same effect.

• You’ll see the things that you DON’T like about yourself in other people because you’re aware of them.
• You’ll see the things that you DO like about yourself in other people because you’re aware of them.
• And you won’t see the things that you DON’T CARE about yourself in other people because you’re NOT thinking about them.

On a personal level, I’ll tell you that I don’t notice or think much of other people’s ears because I have never given much thought to the way my own ears look.  I do however notice others’ smiles because I have always liked my own smile.

And I’m also aware of people’s height because for years I thought I was too tall (and I was somewhat envious of girls who were shorter than me and always glad to see girls taller than me).  Even though I’ve come to love being tall, I know I’m still in the process of reframing some deep-seeded thoughts and beliefs from my past.

Alright!  Does that make total and complete sense?  We cannot move on until you comprehend and believe this.

Email me right now if you need more explanation, haha!  Cuz I’m going to continue!  You can also read this post, which explains how everything is balanced.

So what does this have to do with giving and receiving love?  EVERYTHING!

Examples are the easiest way for me to explain this, so we’re going to make up some imaginary friends:

Let’s say that Martha loves to cook, and you do as well.  If you are insecure about your cooking (meaning, there’s something you don’t love about yourself with it), you may feel threatened by Martha since she’s a good cook.  This may leave you feeling jealous and negative towards Martha.

However, if you have positive thoughts about yourself in regard to cooking, you may view Martha as an inspiration and a helpful influence.

See how it has nothing to do with the fact that Martha loves to cook, and everything to do with how you view yourself?

So if you don’t LOVE the part of yourself in regards to cooking, you cannot LOVE Martha in the same respect.

Now take Robert, who is a very talented musician.  Let’s say that you don’t have much musical talent, but you wish you did.  The part of you that loves music could be appreciative of Robert’s abilities, allowing you to love Robert.

Whatever you love about yourself, you can love others for the same thing.  And if someone told you that you are a horrible musician (and you chose to believe them and felt bad about it), then you won’t be able to fully love Robert for his musical talent.  (It doesn’t mean that you can’t love him for other things, just that there will be reservations in that area.)

If someone once told you that you talk too much, and you let your thoughts run away with you, telling yourself that you shouldn’t talk so much, then you’re not going to love the part of you that does talk a lot (or that used to talk a lot).  So when you meet Sarah, who you think is a chatter-box, you’re going to be annoyed with her in that sense.

Whatever you don’t love about yourself, you cannot love about others.

If you love your sense of humor, you will love others with a sense of humor.

If you reject yourself for being a cluttery person, you will not be able to fully accept others who also have clutter.

Can you see how other people are just a mirror to you?

I can tell you firsthand that it is hard to know this when it comes to finding people who show you the things you don’t like about yourself.

It’s tempting to put everything on THEM, and say that you just don’t like them, but it is 100% always about YOU.

So, if you’re not getting along with your mother-in-law, that’s about you, haha.  (I lightly bring that up because it’s the most common struggling relationship, but you can insert anyone else who you’re not jiving with.)

So what do you do when you find someone who is showing you what you don’t like about yourself?  Pinpoint exactly what it is about them that you don’t like, and ponder how that same thing shows up in your life.

It won’t necessarily look the same for you as you see it in them, so keep searching for the connection.  (You can always email me for help as well!  I would be happy to help you!)

Real quick, before I end… I told you I’d also explain why others can’t love you any more than you love yourself.  Let’s go to a personal example to explain this.

I used to feel embarrassed to receive compliments from people.  I felt like I should be “humble” (which I thought meant I needed to think little of myself), so when someone gave me a compliment, I would try to deflect it and follow up in my own mind that “they don’t mean it, they were only trying to be nice”.

Do you see how I was unable to receive their “love” because I did not love the parts of me that excelled or did a good job at things.  I was not allowing myself to love my strengths!  I felt I needed to hide them so I could be “humble”, which did not allow me to receive others’ love.

This is true for every aspect that you do not love about yourself -you cannot accept love in that area from others any more than you love it yourself.

Taking this further, I have always known that God loves me.  I also felt insignificant and thought that He has more to do than worry about little old me.  Once I started to see myself with love and acceptance, I began to understand that I am truly equal to everyone else on the planet, which opened up the gates to allow myself to see how much God truly loves me and that He does indeed have time for me.

More than that, He WANTS time with me.

I am not a burden to Him, nor are you.

Love yourself and you will feel God’s sweet love like never before.

He wants time with you too.

This I know is true.

If you can grasp this information but don’t know where to start, please reach out to me.  There is no shame or judgement for needing help.  I have been in low places myself and am so grateful for those who helped me.

I love you my friend,

Empowering you to embrace your agency and liberate yourself through conscious choice!

A great place to start this journey is understanding that you are equal to everyone!

This post can also help you on your way!