Unbreakable

By Kayleen Bell, 3/13/21

(Referenced in this post)

My world is thrown upside down.  I can’t believe this is happening.  Tears fall.  I can’t speak.  But only for one night.

Love comes pouring in; so much, I cannot take it all in.  Tears of gratitude this time.  My cheeks hurt from smiling.

I haven’t been afraid since day one.  I know who is on my side.  Faith grows.

I am at peace, feeling grateful for this experience, while I see others crumble. Why and how has this been so easy?  I guess I’m unbreakable.

I look at him; he smiles at me.  Gratitude rushes over me.

The end is nigh; I should feel elated.  But I don’t.

A dark shadow approaches when I think about the future.  I quickly push it away.  I don’t want to know how I feel.

Stay happy and positive.  Be grateful.  That’s how it’s done.  But it’s different this time.

My mind wanders to coming events.  I sense the shadow and divert my thoughts.  Distraction is key.

I know the shadow is comprised of fear.  I refuse to look it in the eye because I know…  It is bigger than I am.

Secretly I know my fears, but I tell myself I’m clueless and everything is fine.  But I’m not fine.

I’m not fine, but I can pretend like I am.  I even fool myself most of the time.

Distraction keeps me from seeing my fears, but just because I refuse to see them does not mean they’re not there.  But I won’t admit that.

The more I push them away, the bigger they get.  The bigger they get, the more they seem a reality.  I need help.

I know I have to face them.  But I know they will break me.  I will fall apart if I say them out loud.  Will they come true if I say them out loud?  I still want to bury them.

Uncontrollable tears and I don’t know why.  2 years of pent up emotions.

I did it.  I said that I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of the greatest loss a mother could ever know.

It feels better to let that out, but I’m still scared.  What now?  Can I cry my fears away?  Where is my faith?

I’m afraid to exercise the full measure of my faith because that would mean trusting the Lord in every circumstance –no matter the outcome.  Would he take my child?

I want to be strong.  I want to feel peace.  I want to know that I will be ok.  But reality is, right now…

I’m broken.

Beautifully Broken

By Kayleen Bell, August 2023

(Referenced in this post)

Like a mustang running free, I was in a good place;

Nothing could get me down, or knock me on my face.

Independent – confident – I got this, you know;

But wait… into the fire I go.

The refiner’s fire –it’s hot in here;

Feelings of pain, suffering, doubt and fear.

I’m an emotional wreck, and mentally breaking down;

There is no escape, I feel like I could drown.

Like a sad sob story, the mustang has been caught;

I’ve fallen to the ground, my confidence shot.

I couldn’t help but feel, this was a shameful place to be;

So vulnerable and fragile, no longer running free.

That’s it, you got me –I’m broken;

And oh, I felt so broken.

Broken hearted.  Broken confidence.  Just broken up inside.

There were painful broken parts of me, I felt that I should hide.

But after time, with a little help, I started to finally see

That holding the reigns with steady hands, Christ was leading me.

It was He all along who broke me in, to teach me who to trust;

I trust not in man, nor my own confidence, but faith in Him I thrust.

I walk slow and steady now, knowing He’ll comfort when I need;

And when I can’t see the steps ahead, I trust that He will lead.

How good it feels to be loved by God, and I love Him no doubt;

I’m honored that He took the time, to lovingly seek me out.

Feeling priceless and treasured, I will follow my King,

Because I’m beautifully broken……. And I wouldn’t change a thing.

Beautifully Broken (condensed version)

By Kayleen Bell, August 2023

(Referenced in this post)

Life is different when you’re broken, you’re not as much carefree;

Knowing the gift of life could be taken, right from you instantly.

You have more appreciation for all the little things;

Like just being home with your family can give your heart wings.

The future is always uncertain like a dark cloud up ahead;

But knowing how and who to trust, I focus on Christ instead.

Feeling fragile and yet secure, I choose to follow my King;

Because I’m beautifully broken……. And I wouldn’t change a thing.